I'm pretty sure...

...that I'm being proven otherwise. Yesterday's spotting has turned into light bleeding and is now accompanied by cramps. Not expecting good things to come of this.

Planned to POAS tomorrow. May not even bother.

Well that didn't last long...

I have successfully made 3 blog posts that didn't even mention my current..."situation."  But today I'm gonna blow it.  Because I'm wondering...if history is repeating itself.

TMI WARNING: This post WILL mention "stuff" on TP.  If that weirds you out you may choose to stop reading at any time. 

It's like I'm living a parallel cycle.  When we did our first FET in March, I f-r-e-a-k-e-d out when I started spotting a little bit at 6 days past transfer.  Thankfully, you kind ladies talked me down from the ledge (figuratively speaking) and convinced me that it was likely (hopefully) implantation bleeding.  It was scant at best, and in retrospect, some people might not have noticed it.  It lasted less than 2 days and I got my first positive HPT that cycle 2 days later (faint, yet there).

Yesterday (5 DPT), I was a little crampy and went to the restroom probably a dozen times (which is some kind of record for me).  Nothing was there, though.  This morning the cramping was gone.  It was never noteworthy, just something I noticed. (Because don't infertiles notice EVERYTHING?)  After lunch today, when I took my kiddos to the restroom I ran to go quickly myself.  Imagine my surprise when I wiped and found just a hint of old blood.  Nothing was on my undies, but it was definitely there when I wiped.  This is the EXACT cycle day that I started spotting lightly last FET.  I didn't know whether to be excited or nervous.  So, I opted for both.  I emailed J to tell him (cause I didn't want you to read this before he knew) that I didn't know whether to be encouraged or upset by it.  He said we'd go with encouraged. 

So, I'm crossing my fingers and praying for the best.  No testing for this chica until Saturday, anyway.  First beta is Monday.  I guess we shall see.

I will not POAS...

I will not POAS...

I will not POAS...

Lie Revealed

Yesterday, I posted "Two Truths and a Lie" and invited you, dear readers, to guess which statement was the lie.  To recap, here are the statements:

1.) As a teenager, I had a Finnish pen pal who was nearly twice my age.
2.) I have ridden a camel.
3.) My clothes are arranged in my closet alphabetically according to color and garment (i.e., shirts are together...then alphabetized by color; pants are together, alphabetized by color, etc.)

The truths were #1 and #2.  My Finnish pen pal was a wonderful lady I met while working in the theater.  She later moved to Malaysia and then back to the U.S.  I'm not really sure where is now.  Oh, and my mom, cousin and I rode a camel one year at Twitty City when I was a kid. 

That would make number 3 the lie.  I'm pretty organized (and LOVE to alphabetize things, but I don't have time to do this.  Sounds like a good summer project...)

I'd love to stay and "chat," but there is a very anxious mini schnau.zer who needs my attention.  He keeps pawing the keyboard.  (Maybe he's trying to say hello to everybody.)

Two Truths and a Lie Tuesday

Once upon a time, I had a "themed" post every single day.  Tuesday's posts happened to be based on a game I play with my fifth graders on the first day of school.  The object of the game is to make 3 statements...two of which are true, and the third one is the lie (or fib as I like to call it in class--can't have my kiddos telling their parents I encouraged them to lie).  Ideally, you make your fib sound like it could be a truth, and likewise, think of the most outrageous truths you can possibly muster. 

The ones I use in class are:

1.)  I played the piano for my own wedding.
2.)  I am fluent in 3 different languages.
3.)  I worked in the professional theater for 3 years.

All of them sound pretty unlikely for such a small-town girl, huh?  My kids are stumped!  After the three statements are made, we "vote" on which one we think is the lie.  Usually, my classes are pretty equally torn between the three.  The lie is, in fact, number 2 (although I do speak "husband" and "fifth-grader"). 

So, how about I revive this little game...at least for this week.  Especially while I'm trying to distract myself from other things I could be peeing on doing that I shouldn't be.  I'll make 3 statements about myself.  If you'd like to play along, leave a comment with the statement you believe to be the lie.    Tomorrow, I will reveal the correct answer.  (Even if you don't have time to comment with your guess, feel free to check in tomorrow for the answer.)

1.)  As a teenager, I had a Finnish pen pal who was nearly twice my age.
2.)  I have ridden a camel.
3.)  My clothes are arranged in my closet alphabetically according to color and garment (i.e., shirts are together...then alphabetized by color; pants are together, alphabetized by color, etc.)

Are you ready for Halloween?

We are!  Well, Jax is, anyway.  I still have no idea about what costume I might choose (if any).  The kids at school love it when their teachers dress up, but I'm having a hard time coming up with something this year.  I might just recycle something from the past...

Anyway, my mom bought Jax these cute Halloween jammies at Tar.get the other day and just had to give them to him early.  Isn't my baby a cutie patootie?

In case you can't tell, they look like a skeleton on the back.

Baby Pictures

I was going to skip this post this go around but decided that I just couldn't.  Our other angels got their pictures published on the ol' blog, and I didn't want the newest members of our family to feel left out.  It's probably not a great pic because it's a photo of a photo, taken on my phone.  Nevertheless, here are our newest embabies, which are getting all snugly (I hope) as you're reading this.

The embryologist said to ignore that thing in the middle.  It's the holding pipet--she didn't realize it
was in focus when she took the pictures.  Now, I'm on scientist, but in just looking at these photos compared to those from our other 2 transfers, I think these look a lot more like the first one than the second round. 

So, now that I've posted the obligatory picture of our embabies, look for some completely RANDOM posts to fill my brain this coming week.  I'm trying to hold off on POAS....well, at least until the weekend.  I've got some totally cute pictures of Jax to share tomorrow, and be on the watch for some random facts and stories.  I'm full of 'em, ya know.

Hugs and love,

Thank you, Hallmark Channel...

...for hosting a Gold.en Girls marathon on my day of bedrest. I'm enjoying spending the day with my 2 favorite fellas (J and Jax) and my 4 favorite "girls!".

PUPO, Take #3

I attempted to sleep in this morning since we didn't have to be at the clinic's surgery center until 10:45, but around 6:30 I woke up with butterflies in my tummy.  Today was the day.  I stared at the ceiling for about 10 minutes, then I gave up and got up.  I took Jax out, then showered.  After J got ready, we headed on out around 8:00.  He took me to get my favorite pancakes for breakfast -- Cinna Stax pancakes at I.H.O.P. 

We were still really early, so we popped in at Tar.get so he could get some cheap earbuds for his phone to keep himself occupied while I was resting for an hour post-transfer.  Then, we headed on over to NFC.  They called us right back and we drssed for the occasion.  The nurse took my vital signs, I signed the consent form, she went over the discharge instructions, and I popped my Val.ium.  There were 2 of them this time instead of just one.  Not really sure why, but they told me to go ahead and take them both.

Next, the OR nurse came in to go over pretty much the same information.  But I didn't have any questions.  This wasn't my first rodeo, after all.  Then came the embryologist with pictures.  They only had to thaw 2 this time (as opposed to 3 last time).  She said that they looked great--pretty much identical to how they looked when they were vitrified.  They maintained their grade A and grade B statuses.  (Last FET, the "A" embryo was downgraded to a "B" upon thawing.)  This also means we have 4 remaining in storage.

Dr. W (my own RE) would be performing the transfer (I hadn't had her for that before, but at least no new people would be seeing my hoo-ha), but she was running a bit behind in the clinic as it wasn't her "day" to do transfers.  She was covering for a different doctor.  That's okay.  I came to get my babies and I wasn't leaving without them.  So, J settled in to listen to some tunes on his phone and I relaxed under the blanket. 

Other than a quick speculum change (she needed a longer one), Dr. W had me out of the OR in about 15 minutes, but not before confirming that the stitch sure came in handy (I was glad to hear that it wasn't done in vain).  After laying perfectly still for about an hour back in my "room" I was allowed to go potty and go home.  I napped some on the way home, and J made 2 quick stops for gas and we picked up a take and bake pizza for dinner (we just skipped lunch altogether). 

I'm feeling pretty good...just tired.  Dr. W confirmed that upon a positive pg test, I'll start Lov.enox injections.  So now, we wait.  First beta is 10/3.  Look for lots of random posts between now and then as I attempt to not overanalyze things and dwell on what I can't control.

Hugs and love,

Searching for my Happy Place

I've gotta say, planning for absences at school has taken its toll on me.  I'm feeling quite stressed lately, but HOPEFULLY, tomorrow will be my last missed day for a while.  That being said, I'm trying to put all things Spanish out of my brain for a bit.  At least until tomorrow is over.  Because tomorrow is kind of a big day.  We're going to pick up our babies, after all.

The past year has been a whirlwind.  (Whirlwind...tornado...hurricne.  Use a cliche with the storm of your choice.)  Exactly one year ago today, we attended IVF class.  Two weeks later, with the beginning of AF, we started our fresh IVF cycle.  Now, here we are 365 days later, anxiously awaiting transfer #3 tomorrow.  I can hardly believe that it's time already. 

My heart is heavy.  I am excited to be moving forward, but my heart is still sad that it is necessary.  I don't want to take anything for granted, either.  So, I've decided that this go around I'm going to embrace everything and just try to make the best of the situation. 

There's a burning question that I'm dying to ask for advice about, but I'd rather not jinx things (not that I'm superstitious...at all), so I think I'll save it for later.  (I just thought that if I posted this I'd remember to come back and ask it...if I still need to know...later.  I read old posts often.)

So, I guess this is it.  Until tomorrow...

I'm the Odd Duck

Well, I had my "odd duck" appointment today.  Ya know...the one where I get a stitch in my cervix so the RE can use the strings to make a marionette out of it on Friday?  Yeah, that one.  It was just as much fun as I remembered. 

I hate that I keep missing school.  They should only have to be without me for one more day (at least for now).  I hate planning for a sub.  It's especially difficult for Spanish class.  *sigh*  Maybe the bulk of the absences are behind me.  Let's hope. 

Dr. W was running behind today.  Like way behind.  As in, it was almost a half hour past my appointment time when the called me back behind.  I didn't get upset like most of the other patients of hers in the waiting room.  They were rescheduling left and right.  Not this chick.  I was in it for the long haul.  For one thing, she's not in tomorrow and I had to get this done before the transfer.  Plus, I traveled way too far (and I was NOT planning for a sub for tomorrow, too) to go home un-stitched.

Did I tell you that the whole idea of this stitch kinda freaks J out?  Both times I've had it done, he's questioned me about it.  When I explain the procedure and get to the part about the numbing shot, his eyes kind of bug out.  "They gave you a shot WHERE?"   It's sort of cute, actually.  But I'm glad I didn't depend on him to keep me calm before hand.

So that's it.  There's nothing left for me to do except take my prome.trium.  On Friday, we'll go "pick up" our babies.    I'm trying to come up with things to blog about all next week that will help me keep my mind off of things.  Any suggestions?  I've done the "what-do-my-readers-want-to-know-about-me" post.  Not too long ago, actually.  I guess if there's anything left that anybody wants to know, that's fair game.  Otherwise, I might look for some kind of challenge (or even come up with my own).  Ya just never know what I'll write about.  That's why it's my random thoughts.

Hope your Wednesday was wonderful!

Hugs and love,

A Good Night's Sleep

Last night I fell asleep before 9:30.  The last time I remember seeing the clock it was 9:15, but I think I was dozing before that.  I blame football.  You see, I don't understand it--plus, I was working on materials for Spanish class today (which didn't work on my school computer...grr).  And J's team just happened to be playing the Monday night game.  (Well, the team of which he is a fan.  We don't actually own a football team.  But, I digress.)  So, he was watching in the famil room and I was working on our bed, watching How.I.Met.Your.Mother.

Just for the record, the bedroom is the worst place EVER to get any real work done.  It screams "nap time."  All I know is I woke up somewhere during Hawaii Five-0 and had no idea what was going on.  So, I turned off the TV and the lights and crawled under the covers. 

And I slept. All night.  And it was good. 

I'm going to the RE tomorrow for "the stitch."  I hope I am remembering correctly when I think it's not that bad.  Gee, I wish my body would cooperate. 

Floating

I've finally managed to get my head above water.  I'm caught up with grading.  I have lesson plans done for this week (and next week), and I have sub plans ready for Wednesday and Friday.  Now, if I could just get materials created (for Spanish) and copied (for Spanish and Social Studies), I'd actually be ahead of the game!  Oh, well.  It doesn't look like that's going to happen today, so I might as well enjoy "floating."  Maybe tomorrow....after all, tomorrow is another day!

Hugs and love,

Side Effect?

I'm not usually one to pick up on side effects, even if I have read about them all.  But I am baffled by a symptom I've experienced today, and I can't help but wonder if it's a side effect of the prom.etrium I started taking today.  On two different occasions (once at lunch and the other just a few minutes ago--which hasn't subsided yet, by the way), I've been light-headed.  Could it be a side effect?  I haven't had a chance to ask Dr. Goo.gle yet.  During my last pg, I had a few bouts of lightheadedness, but I was already pregnant then.  I haven't even gotten to transfer yet this go around.  Just curious if it's a potential side effect or if it's just the exhaustion catching up with me from the past 2 weeks. 

Thanks in advance for any imput.

Hugs and love,

Allow me to explain...

In an attempt to avoid boring my readers with details about my upcoming "stitch," I merely mentioned that I'd be going in for that on Wednesday.  What I failed to realize is that I have several readers who were not around for my first FET and have no idea what I'm talking about.  For that, I apologize.  Please know that you didn't miss a post; I just didn't write much about it this go around.  Here's the scoop:

I posted about this here and here, but I'll sum it up for you in case you want a quick version.  There's not exactly an easy path to my cervix, apparently.  Therefore, my RE felt it wise to put in what they call at stitch before transfer.  This is a procedure where she inserts a speculum to find a good view of my cervix (once that's done, it's not too difficult for the doctor).  Then, she cleans the tip of the cervix and puts in a stitch on each side (?) to be able to leave some suture material.  That allows the doctor performing the transfer to use the strings as a guide to "straighten things out" (sort of like puppet strings, if you will) if necessary so that the catheter gets in the proper position to make sure our embryos go where they are supposed to.  It's not as bad as it sounds, really.  It just stings for a minute and is only slightly uncomfortable.  I've encountered several procedures that caused more discomfort. 

I had big plans to do the trigger myself yesterday morning, but I chickened out.  Luckily, J (my HERO) came to my rescue.  He said I was brave enough to take the shot.  (Even though I felt like a total coward.)  It hurt a little and there is a small bruise on my belly.  My red badge of courage, I guess. 

Now, I've got to go catch up on school work from the days I missed last week.  And go to the grocery.  Have a great weekend, all!

Hugs and love,

All set!

Yesterday afternoon, I got a message from my nurse that gave us the green light to trigger this morning.  I go in next Wednesday for my stitch (I'm so looking forward to that) and transfer will be next Friday at 11:45.  I'll have to start Prom.etrium twice a day on Sunday.  And that's it. 

I'm not going to stress about testing, either.  We'll just do what we have to do.  I think we'll only have to come home from our trip for the second test (provided, of course, we need it).  If we need the third test, I'll just push it back an extra day so that we are home.

Almost...

For the second day in a row, I hauled myself to Nash.vile for an ultrasound and bloodwork.  My follie had grown today, though I'm no really sure how much.  The tech said it was 18 x 15 (up from 14 x 12 yesterday), but then when I talked to the nurse before I left, she said it was 16.  My lining "looks good," or so I'm told.  Looked kinda gray to me.  ;-)  It's at a 10.5.  So now I wait...I filled my prescription for Ov.idrel (last time they gave it to me), but it's kind of up in the air as to when I'll take the injection.  Could be tonight.  Could be tomorrow.  Could even be on Saturday.  Then, they'll schedule transfer one week later.  Yes, things are moving along.  I hope I can keep up!

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I went today for a follie scan and bloodwork (E2).  The tech said that my lead follicle is on the right side and is measuring at 14.  Later, I found out my E2 was 204.  My nurse left me a message at 2:30 to let me know that I need to come in tomorrow (great) for a repeat scan and blood draw.  They're thinking perhaps we'll trigger either tomorrow night...if I'm "ready"...or Friday (perhaps) and transfer will be one week later.

I'm so ready for this week to be over.  I feel like I've been on the go non-stop since my appointment last Wednesday.  Cross your fingers that thing are ready and I don't have to go back again.

Hugs and love,

What a nice surprise...

Last week, at my CD 3 appointment, I asked to see the financial manager so I could pay for our cycle (since we are flat-rate fee).  I mentioned this at check-out, and the receptionist called her.  No answer.  So, she had her paged.  And we waited.  Nothing. So, she told me that the lady was probably in IVF class at the moment and that I should just pay the next time I came in.  I asked if she was sure that would be okay, and she said it'd be fine.

Yesterday, though, I had a voicemail after school from R (the financial manager) saying that she hadn't received my "Pre-payment" yet and that I could give her a call to make a credit card payment over the phone.  I called as soon as I got home, but I guess it was too close to "quitting time" because she never called me back.  So, today, during my planning time I decided to try again.  To my surprise, she answered.  (No voicemail or anything!)  I told her who I was and that I was returning her call. 

This is how the rest of our conversation went:

R: Did you know that Dr. W is giving you a discounted cycle?
Me (in shock): No.  I knew she gave us one last time, but nobody every mentioned anything about another one.
R: Well, oh...yeah, I'm just going to give it to you for that again since I didn't get to talk to her about it or anything.
Me (in greater shock): Are you sure? 
R: Yes, that's what I'm going to do.  We'll do the same discounted price you got in March.  Are you putting it on one card?

And I rushed right through the rest of the conversation before she could change her mind. 

I like surprises.  Good ones, anyway.

Why I Blog

Today, a fellow blogger wrote about why she blogs.  I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and I thought I'd chime in here.  So, why do I blog?  The simple answer is so I don't forget.  While I wouldn't wish the pain of IF on my worst enemy (although, as a teacher I do come in contact with people I think should not be allowed to procreate), I pray that I WILL make it to the other side some day; when that time comes, I don't want to forget how I felt on this side of things.  Because others will still be here.  And they will need some support from people who understand.

Too many times, people get what they want and forget their journey to get it.  (Please, don't anyone take this personally...I'm speaking in very general terms here because I have seen it happen.)  I've even done it myself.  It seems like I've had a "rough" journey to all of the good things in my life.  I was convinced I'd be alone forever because I didn't know where to go to meet someone.  I'm not exactly what you'd call a social butterfly, so this did not come naturally for me.  Don't get me wrong--I'm not too shy once I know you, but I'm not very assertive, either.  Anyway, my point is, once I found J and we got married, I sort of just forgot what it was like to be lonely.  Not completely, of course, but I was content with my life and felt that all was right with the world. 

I don't ever want to forget the things I've gone through--physically and emotionally.  I want to be that rock for somebody else going through the same (or similar) things I faced myself.  I've met some incredible ladies in the blogosphere, and without their support and virtual hugs, I don't know how I'd have gotten through some of my darkest days.  I blog so I can give back.  Perhaps someone can gain something from my experiences.  In many cases (since we don't actually "know" each other), it's all I have to give. 

Why do you blog?

What Lies Ahead

The coming week is looking quite busy, just as the past week was--but for different reasons.  Last week, I was consumed with digging out of the mountain of papers left in the wake of my absence on Wednesday.  This week, I'm planning better to be missing (because I had more notice).  It is also "fair week."  That means it's time to start baking away to enter cookies and candies for judging.  I also have a few pictures I'm going to submit.  I was disappointed that two of them were too grainy or blurry when I printed them. They looked better on the computer screen.  Oh, well.

I'm glad, though, that things should level off (and stress levels should reduce) after this week.  Just in time to get ready for a transfer, no doubt.  I've also got to get in plenty of cuddle time with Jax before I am not allowed to lift him for a while (he's over 10 lbs.).  Poor baby.  I know he doesn't understand.

Well, I'm off to get a couple of sets of papers graded before bedtime.  I hope you all have a terrific week!

Hugs and love,

Playing the Odds

I've been thinking a lot lately about our upcoming FET.  (Duh)  I have mixed emotions about it.  On one hand, I'm glad to be doing something again.  I'm also quite thankful to have the opportunity to try again.  However, I'm not much of a gambler.  I can't help but wonder if the odds are stacked against me on this one--is it likely that we'll have "success" 3 times in a row?  I'm trying to dig for statistics, but it is perhaps a blessing that I'm not finding much.  Statistics make me crazy. 

*Incidentally, did you know that 94.6% of all statistics are made up?

*Grin*

In all seriousness, though, are 3 BFPs from IVF cycles more than I deserve?  I hope not. 


Hugs and love,

STRESSED or DESSERTS?

So, I'm really feeling the pressure right now.  I didn't even look forward to coming home this afternoon because of the mountain of work I brought with me.  Not to mention that we have to book it to town to go to the grocery early in the morning because I have to get back to play for a 2:00 wedding.  I was practicing this evening after our walk, and I have decided that I'm too old to do this anymore.  (How sad.  I peaked at 30.)  I didn't even get to the ceremony music--just the prelude--and my back was hurting so bad I couldn't even sit up straight.  Of course, I won't have worked all day before the actual wedding, either.  *sigh*

I've got to do something to get this stress level down, PRONTO.  I sure do miss yoga.  Maybe I'll pull out the W.i.i. Fit and try some of the stretches on that.  Something's gotta give, that's for sure.

Thinking about you all.  Thanks for sticking around, despite my lack of commenting.  I'm still reading, I promise.  As soon as things slow down, I will be by to say hello.  In the meantime, know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs and love,

Swamped!

I feel like I've been running non-stop for the past 2 days.  Today was especially busy at school, plus I was trying to catch up from missing yesterday.  Today is a pretty heavy "grading" day right now.  We have Map Day on Thursdays.  That means I have 3 sets of map quizzes plus 3 sets of "map mad minutes" (my kiddos try to label all 50 states in 5 minutes or less) to grade.  On top of all that, we had a test yesterday (which I missed, so I had to grade those today, too), AND notebooks were due today.  I feel like I'm drowning. 

Yet, here I am...blogging.  I thought about skipping it today, but I'd hate to make it all the way to September 8 and break my year-long streak.  Especially considering some of the days I pushed through and blogged anyway. 

Alas, J and Jax gave up on me and went to bed already.  I'll join them soon.  But first, I must make a powerpoint for Spanish class tomorrow...

'Night, all.

All Systems Go

I survived my CD 4 ultrasound this morning.  It wasn't pleasant, but I think I was the only one bothered by the whole thing.  After the bloodwork and u/s, I met with one of the IVF nurses (not mine, unfortunately...I think I've only actually seen her twice).  She took down my history (even though it was all in that growing folder she carried), took all my vital signs, and asked a few more questions.  Then, she went over "the plan" with me.  It was what I was expecting, for the most part.

My E2 level was 66 and my lining was nice and thin, which it should be at this point.  There were no cysts (yay!), so I scheduled my next appointment for a mid-cycle ultrasound and E2 check next Wednesday (CD 11).  Then, we'll see how things are progressed and go from there.  Nobody mentioned the stitch, but I know it's coming.

I'll be taking Prome.trium supplements, starting after the trigger shot.  Loven.ox will be thrown into the mix this time, but only after a positive test.  I never thought I'd hope to self-inject, but I'm just wishing to get to that point right now. 

I had knots in my stomach, and I fought back tears all morning as I got ready to go.  Thanks so much for your support.  It helped to know that somebody was thinking about me.  It also made me realize what a terrible blogger "friend" I am.  I definitely want to do a better job at offering the support I so very much appreciate myself.

Hugs and love,

And so it begins...

My IVF nurse called late this morning (I was teaching Spanish at the moment).  I have to go tomorrow for a baseline u/s (never had to do that before).  Since that phonecall, I've been a bundle of nerves.  I don't know why--I've been down this road before. 

I think it's really more anxiety than nerves.  I wasn't expecting to be back at this place so soon.  Don't get me wrong--I'm ready...I think.  It was just never in the plan to have to be repeating this process already.  (That is, our PLAN was to need to go back in 2 or 3 years for a sibling.)  I'm a little scared of the emotions that are about to overtake me.  My goal is to keep them to myself--or vent them out here.  I don't want to take out my frustrations on any of the people around me--not J, not my students, not anybody.  I'm tearing up just writing this, and I have no idea why.  Oh, boy.  It could be a long month.

I've never had to have an u/s while AF was still here.  Not exactly looking forward to it.  I guess it's no big deal to the tech, but I'll definitely be a little more uncomfortable than usual.  Oh, well. 

New Perspective

This morning, I made the call.  I know it's a holiday, but I also knew I would have to leave a voicemail message anyway.  So, my IVF nurse will know first thing tomorrow morning that I have reached CD 1.  And thus, the fun begins. 

I've had a thought.  An epiphany of sorts.  Dangerous, I  know, but hear me out.  This moment of clarity has left me with a new perspective on our entire IF situation and all of our heartbreaks.  What if God sent us that baby...and then took it away...to save my life?  Had we not repeated a m/c, it is highly unlikely that we'd have pursued testing, which means I'd probably be clueless to the clotting disorders that I'm going to have to treat forever.  Now, while I realize that my own life is not any more important than anybody else's and that I'd be no great loss to the world, I do know what it's like to lose someone you love dearly quite unexpectedly.  What if the heartbreaking loss of our dear babes unknowingly kept J from losing me in such a manner.  (Please don't think I'm being conceited...I don't know what I'd do if the tables were turned.) 

So, yes, my heart is still sad when I think of all we have gone through and what we have lost; but I can't help but realize that even our babies' short existence had a purpose.   I can't wait to tell their sibling(s) all about them someday.

Let's get this show on the road!

I never thought I'd be so excited to welcome the "wicked witch" to town, but AF showed up in full force early this morning.  She's not playing fair, either, but I will manage.  Next up, I guess I'll call my nurse tomorrow to let her know things have begun.  It's a holiday (figures), but she'll get it first thing Tuesday morning.  If it's like last time, I won't have to schedule anything until the following week, anyway.

This time last year, I was doing the clomi.d challenge test in preparation for our fresh cycle.  I had to have bloodwork done on CD 3, which happened to be on Labor Day weekend as well (so I had to go to the hospital to have it drawn).  What a difference a year makes, huh?

I haven't been doing a lot of commenting lately, but I still love you all.  Maybe I'll get my groove back really soon--especially if I can get ahead of myself with this Spanish class!

Don't you just hate it...

...when you can't find what you're looking for?

Irony (or the Perils of a Number-Cruncher)

I admire people who soar through life by the seat of their pants.  You know the type…they’re the ones who, on a whim, turn to their spouse and say, “Hey, honey…why don’t we go to [fill-in-the-blank-with-a-place] for the weekend.  Pack some undies and let’s go!”  I am SO not one of those people.  Nope.  I’m one of those type A planner-people.  When we planned our second FET for this month, we had in mind that things would progress “normally.”  I don’t know why…my body hasn’t ever done anything normally.  Not in my whole life.  Anyway, that would have meant that I expected AF to show up around last Tuesday.  Three days ago.  An arrival date of 8/30 would have given this cycle the exact same number of days as the previous one (the first since the d&c).  Now, why in the world I would ever expect to have 2 mirrored cycles is beyond me, but that’s the scenario we drew up in our heads, anyway.  Here are some facts…with dates.  They are all null and void at this point, but that’s where the irony part comes in.  Let’s play the What-IF game, shall we?

·         IF things had begun on 8/30 and the cycle progressed EXACTLY the same as our last FET, we’d have had an estimated transfer date of 9/18.

·         IF we’d had a transfer date of 9/18, first beta would have likely been 9/28. 

·         IF first beta had been positive, second beta would have been 9/30, making 3^rd beta 10/3 (Monday).

Since we have had a stressful year and all, we decided to use our timeshare points and go to Nash.ville on fall break (the week of October 3).  There is a ton of stuff we haven’t done (or haven’t done in a long time), and it’s close enough not to spend a fortune in gas money.  With our What-IF projections, we figured that if things worked well, we could get our 3^rd test done on the way out of town on Monday. 

WELL….that’s all fine and dandy.  Of course, I should have known better than to plan for things to work out this way.  But it would have worked.  Except….here I am on CD 32 and no AF in sight.  Ready for the irony?  Unless AF is super-duper late, this will push beta to somewhere in the middle of our vacation week in Nash.ville.  In case you have no idea why that’s ironic, it means we could potentially have to drive from Nash.ville BACK to Bowl.ing Gr.een for our blood draws.  (In case you didn’t take notes all through my blog, our RE’s office is in Nash.ville.) 

Why don’t you just test in Nash.ville, you ask?  The simple answer is money.  As I posted here, once we choose a facility to do the testing, we are locked in for all 3 tests.  My insurance covers all but the copay at my own clinic, but costs $88 each at the RE’s office.  Plus, we would probably not need to be in Nash.ville for all 3 tests (provided they were all needed).

Gee, I wish I wasn’t such a numbers cruncher.  Then, I’d never have realized all of this and I’d just be surprised by it all. 

Those were the days...

Today, I listened to a group of fifth grade girls chatter on and on (while making a model of a totem pole, mind you) about how many children they would have and what their names would be.  I remember having similar conversations with my buddies at their age.  I even made a list (and it's probably still hidden around somewhere in all my "stuff").  Of course, I don't really think any of the names my 10-year-old mind conjured up are still in the running, but it was nice to dream.  Had I known then what I know now, I'd have been miserable for most of my life. 

Then, out of nowhere, one of them turned to me and said, "Mrs. Angie, did you want to have children?"  (Because, you know, I'm too old to possibly want them now...at least to a 10 year old.)  I just smiled a solemn smile and nodded my head.  "Yes.  Yes, I did.  More than anything, darling," came my reply. 

Then they returned to their coloring and I finished grading the set of maps I had been working on.  For a moment, though, that little girl's future and my past connected and we shared an understanding. 

Ah, how I miss those simpler times. Good times. When children could dream up their futures.