Not yet

I'm sorry if anyone else thought I was done blogging, too.  I'm not.  I will never not write, and this is my space in which to do just that.  So for now, I am still here.  

So what do you do...

...on the day after you find out your family is most likely done growing?  Well, I spent the day with Lincoln soaking up the last day of my summer break.  We went to the movies (there is a $1 kids' movie each Tuesday and Wednesday), then we went to the mall and rode the carousel.  We had lunch at Chik-fil-a and ended with a long nap (for Lincoln) at home.  I guess I'll love him a little harder now and try to make as many memories as I can.  After all, the ones we are building now are for me-he won't remember. But I hope he never doubts my love for him. 

Thanks Jen and Suzanna for your thoughts.  I appreciate your taking the time to comment. This is such a powerful community of supporters.  Maybe it's not as plentiful as it once was-or maybe I'm just out of the loop since I've crossed over-but I will never forget what it was like and I hope my story helps others someday.

And then there were 2...

DISCLAIMER: this is a lengthy post that spans about 3 months.  But it's for me.  I didn't want to post it until they journey was complete (or took a turn).  

April 22, 2014

We have two embryos left.  I just turned 34.  J just turned 41.  We aren't getting any younger.

J and I have decided to attempt our final embryo transfer this summer.  After jumping through a few unexpected hoops, we have an appointment for a consult with our RE to get things started on May 7.  Fingers crossed there aren't too many hurdles.  If all goes well, we're hoping for a July transfer and a spring sibling for Lincoln.

May 7, 2014

Today J and I met with our RE to discuss a summer transfer.  We are planning to proceed with pretty much the same plan as last time.  There is an 85% chance our embryos will survive the thaw (like always).  Statistically, I know this has worked (technically) more times than it should have for me, but I have nothing but hope in my heart.  She did an ultrasound to check the condition of my uterus, but because of the point I was in my cycle, she couldn't see everything she needed to.  I have to go back next week for one more scan and I have to have a few blood tests updated, but we should be good to go with my next cycle and on track for a mid-July transfer.

May 16, 2014

I returned to the RE's office today for a mid-cycle scan.  The ultrasound showed no polyps in my uterus, so we are still on track to begin with my next cycle.  Relieved to dodge this obstacle.

May 28, 2014

Started spotting today.  AF may arrive a couple of days ahead of schedule.  Shouldn't affect the progress of things during the summer, but I sure wouldn't have minded if she'd waited until after the wedding to show up.  Figures...

May 30, 2014

Happy last day of school to me...AF showed up a couple of days early.  So, I put a frantic call in to my nurse before hours to leave her a voicemail since I knew I wouldn't be getting a break today. We are squared away with our plan but I didn't get to line things up with the pharmacy.  The person I was supposed to contact was away from her desk, and I didn't have time to keep trying because of wedding rehearsal.  But it wasn't urgent, so I'll take care of that in Monday.  I start the pill and doxycycline on Sunday.  We're looking at a mid-July transfer.

June 2, 2014

After dealing with a bad connection and a couple of rounds of phone tag, I finally got my meds ordered.  Whew.  It's a relief to have some things finished.  Also scheduled suppression check for 6/24.

June 12, 2014

Meds arrived!  They required a signature, so I made sure to be home all day.  Thankfully, they arrived before lunch time.  I was worried I would miss the FedEx man even though I was home because our doorbell doesn't work.  My insurance covered everything (with a copay) except the PIO.  I was pleasantly surprised.

We leave tomorrow for vacation and first Lupron injection is Saturday.

June 14, 2014

Junkies will shoot up anywhere!  LOL

June 24, 2014

Suppression check = success.  Decrease Lupron to 5 units tomorrow and begin estradiol injections Thursday.  Ultrasound and E2 check 7/7 (our 7th anniversary).  Also, had a trial transfer and will still have to have a stitch put in.  Blech!  Oh, well.  I'll do what I've gotta do.

June 26th, 2014

It's just like riding a bicycle...J gave me my first estradiol valerate injection tonight. Just a drop of blood afterward (I suppose because I'm not on blood thinner yet).  I won't say I missed all these needles, and this cycle is slightly more challenging because we have a toddler.  

July 4, 2014

I'm feeling a bit emotional today.  I don't really know why-nothing significant is happening right now. Next appt isn't until Monday, meaning there are 3 little shots and one big one between now and then. We were driving to town to run errands around lunchtime today and it crossed my mind that within the next two weeks, our final shot at growing our family--short of a science-says-no-but-it-happened-anyway-miracle--will be in the books.  Either it will work or it won't.  And I'll have to figure out how to deal either way.  I teared up.  Not a "good cry," but there were tears.  And then I heard "Say Something" on the radio.  That song chokes me up since I saw the music video.  Yeah, I guess you could say the estrogen is working...

July 7, 2014

Things were great at my appointment today.  Estradiol level is 1,185 (I think) and transfer is scheduled for next Wednesday.  I have instructions for medications and dosing and my Valium prescription ready to fill.  All that's left is the stitch-next Monday.  Blood test is 7/28.  In three weeks, we'll know one way or the other...

July 11, 2014

PIO returned tonight.  Ouch!  I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...

July 14, 2014

Stitch is in place (that was pleasant as always).  Transfer in two days.  Feeling quite anxious about it as I know it is our last one.  Have lots of bending and stretching to do before I can't.  Looks to be a long day tomorrow-cleaning out the guest room...just in case Lincoln will be moving there soon...Bible School at 6:00, and working at school afterward. Lots to keep my mind off things...

July 16, 2014

Transfer is complete!  One of our embryos didn't survive the thaw, which made me kind of sad, but the last one still looked god.  Transfer went as perfectly as possible (thanks to my stellar bladder-filling ability), aside from the clinic running a half-hour behind.  It was no big deal aside from the fact that I had to hold my urine longer.  They have changed their protocol a bit since Lincoln's transfer...I could use the restroom after fifteen minutes of rest if I really needed to instead of an hour (I ended up going 10 minutes before my hour was up) and I only had bed rest for the rest of today.  So now, we wait...

July 17, 2014

Nothing to update today...I just wanted to get a couple of thoughts down before they are forgotten. As the nurse was wheeling me out of NFC yesterday, I was just a little bit sad.  I will never have a reason to enter those doors again.  This place that helped create my miracles.  There is nothing left there for me, and regardless of the outcome of this cycle, it is time for me to leave this place behind.  It is a part of my history.  The enormous chart that bears my name will stop growing as soon as they enter the results of this in a couple of weeks.  

July 21, 2014

Here we are, waiting...5 days past transfer.  I'm trying to remain optimistic, but things haven't exactly been stress-free around here since the transfer.  While it doesn't directly involve us, we've had sort of a family crisis that started on Thursday.  Timing sucks.  

July 23, 2014

I am not hopeful.  I caved and POAS this morning at 7 days post-transfer.  It was negative.  That's the same point we got our positive with Lincoln.  I know it could still just be too early, but my hope is fading.  Beta isn't until Monday.  Gonna retest Saturday and Monday just so I can prepare myself.  

July 26, 2014

HPT at 10 days post transfer = BFN.  I'm sure the results are accurate at this point.  Mondays blood test won't show anything either, I know.  At least I'll be at work and won't get the calls personally.  I won't have to talk to actual people about it.

July 29, 2014

Beta day...and the blood test confirmed what my heart (and my negative hot) already knew.  I'm not pregnant.  Barring any natural miracles, my family is done.  And I'm trying really hard to be okay with that.

And then there were none...

One more week...

I have one more week of summer vacation.  Teachers return to school in my building next Monday.  I love my job-I really do-but I am loving hanging out with Lincoln.  We have had such a fun, albeit short, break to spend together.  I've still got things I need to do to get my classroom ready for Monday's open house, too, so we won't even get to spend the whole week together this week.  I'm hoping I can knock that stuff out in one evening and not have to spend a ton of time there.  Why does time have to pass so quickly?

Wordless Wednesday

On "Us"

A few days ago, I was thinking about this time 7 years prior.  I have a point to make, but as with most of my stories, it will likely not be quickly made.  They rarely are with me.  Because while the shortest distance between two points may, indeed, be a straight line, it is almost never the most scenic route.  

Seven years ago, J and I were about to get married.  As a matter of fact, I was at a wedding three weeks in a row that summer.  The first was that of a former piano student of mine.  She married the son of a lifelong family friend of my parents.  I played the piano for their wedding.  They are now divorced. 

The following week, J's cousin got married.  It was the first time J and I had been to a wedding together, and we had a good time just being spectators.  J introduced me to some of his family who would not get to make it down for our own wedding the following week.  (We understood they couldn't travel so far two weeks in a row.) They are now divorced.

And seven years ago today was our wedding day...everything was perfect, albeit hot!  We are still together and going strong.  Our life has not been perfect, but it was never because we stopped loving each other.  (It was a big day for weddings...I'm curious to know what percentage of those held that day are still together.). So what makes us different? I guess there has to be some good, strong couples thrown in every now and then to balance out the statistics.  

I've always said I was born in the wrong era.  My soul came from a simpler time when folks cared about each other and not just themselves...when doing for others was not seen as some selfless act, but rather just what was expected without praise it recognition...when tough life lessons were learned without fear of legal action.  In a day of participation trophies and egocentric ism, I am truly thankful to have "found him whom my soul loveth" (Song of Solomon 3:4, KJV). 

Happy anniversary, babe.  I can't wait to see what the next chapter of "us" holds.

I remembered...

So I  finally remembered what I was going to write about the other night when I couldn't fall asleep. I will be sure and get it all polished up in the next couple of days.  Right now, Lincoln and I are trying to squeeze every bit of fun we can into what's left of our summer break!