How to Lose a Girl in One Date

This Friday marks 10 years since J and I met.  A decade of us.  The following is a piece I wrote during a summer writing project during my Master's program just a few months prior to that meeting.  I had a request from my SIL to post it so she could read it.  Maybe it will make you smile.  Love doesn't come so easily to all of us...

How to Lose a Girl in One Date

For those single folks out there who just can’t seem to grasp the whole “dating” concept, consider these pointers.  I’m offering them from experience.  Yes, you too can have a disastrous first date.  Traditional first dates often include a meal and a movie.  Sure, there are a million books about what you should do on a date or what you could do to make the date enjoyable for both parties.  However, we have all learned that sometimes the greatest lessons come from non-examples.  So, toss aside your dog-eared copies of Dating for Dummies.  The following is a surefire way to mess up a date.

Step 1: The Arrival

Arrive late.  Not only should you be late picking up your date, but also it’s not a bad idea to call her on the way to confirm those directions one more time.  For instance,

           

Guy (10 minutes late): I’m almost there.  How far is your house from the

taxidermist?

For extra credit, make sure you drive the biggest truck you can find—even if you have to go test drive one overnight.  This works especially well if your date is shorter than average.  Make sure there is no step to assist her on her way up.

Step 2: The Meal

Take her to a crowded restaurant.  While you are waiting an hour for your table, you can stand together in awkward silence.  Be sure and divulge any idiosyncrasies you might have.  Annoying habits fit nicely under this umbrella as well.  Fellas, now’s the time to tell your date that you used to smoke but now you prefer to dip; that cowboy boot lamp on the hostess desk would look great in your bedroom; and don’t forget to comment on the gorgeous woman across the waiting area. 

Step 3: The Conversation

Make fun of your date when she pulls the movie listings out of her purse to help guide the rest of the night.  Comments such as, “You actually cut that out of the paper?!” work quite well.  Oh, and asking how her aunt died will really liven up the conversation.  (They give you those big cloth napkins—she might as well use the whole thing!)

Step 4: The “Extra” Time

When you leave the restaurant, make sure you have some time to kill before the movie starts.  That will give you time to explore those stores you’ve never been to,

           

            “Barnes and Noble Booksellers.  What do they sell there?”

Don’t forget to take her to your favorite store as well.

           

            “Do you like the Home Depot?”

Yes, certainly—there’s nothing women like more on a first date than looking at power tools and plywood with a total stranger!  But remember, Home Depot may close at 9:00, so you might still have to go early to that late show.

Step 5: The Theater, Part I: Before the Movie   

Upon arriving at the movie theater, park that big monster truck as tightly in a space as you can so that your date not only feels she needs a parachute to exit, but she also has to keep the door from slamming into the car next to it.  (NOTE: This is even more effective if you can park next to a brick wall.) When you enter the theater, be sure and ask your date, “You didn’t want anything, did you?”  Not only will she feel obligated to say no, but that gives you plenty of extra cash to spend on an extra-large popcorn and drink!  Make sure you slurp the drink loudly in the theater before the movie starts so everyone else can look at you.  (Wait a minute—this is the late show.  There aren’t too many others in the theater!) 

When you’ve finished your drink, be sure and put it in a cup holder three seats down.  It helps if you explain to your date, “That’s so I won’t be tempted to dip.”  (Just to help her understand.)  Also, if you know all about the architecture of the movie theater—or the contractors who built it—be sure and share it with your date each time the advertisement slide shows on the screen.  I’m sure she didn’t get it the first three times you mentioned it.

Step 6: The Theater, Part II: During the Movie

After you’ve paid big bucks for this late viewing of a popular movie, make sure you fall asleep.  The sooner the better—if you can’t make it through all the previews, it’s okay.  At least you’ll be refreshed for the drive home.  Every time you wake up and catch her looking at you, apologize and drift back off.  It drives girls nuts!

Step 7: The Ride Home

Once your two-hour nap is complete, walk your date back out to the giant of a vehicle you drove.  Comment on what a great movie that was—maybe she didn’t notice you missed it all.  Assure her that you’re perfectly fine to drive home (after all, you just took a nap).   It wouldn’t hurt if you expressed your concern about the amount of gasoline in your tank as you drive her home. 

            “Gee, I sure hope I have enough gas to get home.”

To really push her over the top, as you pass the last convenience store on your way back to her house, take a long hard look at it and ask your date, “Hey, do they sell gas there?” 

            If you follow these simple steps, I promise you’ll have a date she will never forget
!

He turned me away

For 1,156 nights, I have "done bedtime" with Lincoln.  There have been a few nights when Jeremie tried to put him to bed-or even that Lincoln requested him, but I always ended up taking over.  For the past several months, that mostly meant getting him ready and sitting in the rocker until he'd drifted off to dreamland. Some nights he'd ask me to rock him. Some nights he'd fall asleep quickly; other nights would entail a lot more-stories, counting, singing, reciting the alphabet, naming everybody we know who's already in bed, talking about what we're gonna do tomorrow. But every night, I've been there when his eyes closed.  Until tonight.

It was later than usual, but we still picked all of the toys up and put them back in their places before prepping for bed.  I changed his clothes and gave him his allergy medicine.  Then I tucked him in and went to fix his oil diffuser (he thinks he can't sleep without it), then came back to his room and took my usual seat.  He immediately started whining.  I thought he was upset because I had moved one of his stuffed animals to sit down.  Thinking of just put it in the "wrong" place, I moved it.  That's by it.  He kept whining.  I asked him again what was wrong, but my heart wasn't prepared for the words he spoke; "No Mommy sit down."  He didn't want me to stay.  

I quickly realized that on all of those nights I thought I longed for this day-when he could go to sleep without me-I was wrong.  I don't feel freed.  I don't feel lucky to be going to bed a good half hour earlier.  I don't have a million things to fill in the time.  I miss my baby.

Now, if I could just get him to use the potty...

Remembrance Day

I just saw this quote in Facebook and wanted to share it here so I can always remember it.  

Keep Your Jeans On

It was a gloomy, overcast day.  The skies threatened rain from dawn on.  It matched my mood as fall break draws to a close.  We didn't go anywhere, and J worked a ton of overtime (just like the past two or three months), so Lincoln and I have had lots of time to play.  We've gone for walks and to the park to play. We visited Nana a couple of times, worked puzzles, and even took a trip to Nashville to Monkey Joe's.  Today, we were slated for another one of his favorite places - the grocery store.

Initially, I wanted to wait until the mail ran to see if my replacement credit card came, but we decided to head out early to try and beat the rain.  We ran a couple of errands, got our groceries, and headed home for a late lunch.  When J ended up leaving work an hour late (even after going in 2 hours early), I was glad to have eaten later.  We decided I'd run to McD's to grab us some dinner, and that's where the title of this post comes in to play.  As I went to out in my shoes, I decided to change out of my jeans into some comfy yoga pants.  They didn't exactly match the top I was wearing, but you don't have to match at a drive-thru, right?

I pulled up to the speaker, placed my order, drove forward and paid (with my new credit card, in case you were wondering).  I got to the second window and they lady immediately handed me my drinks.  I waited for a couple of minutes and was handed a sack of food with the instructions to "Have a nice night."  I pulled forward a bit and did my usual glance into the bag and discovered that my order was wrong.  Instead of chicken nuggets, I had 2 cheeseburgers.  Crap. I pulled into a parking space and checked my receipt.  I expected it to be correct because the screen was correct when I ordered.  It was, so I took it in with my bag of food.  There was a line.  And here I was looking like a "Person of Wal-Mart," waiting to plead my case.  They told me to keep the burgers and gave me the nuggets, thanking me for letting them fix their mistake.  (Huh?) 

At least I had the forethought to take off the 3 "I've Been Krogering" stickers Lincoln had plastered on my chest.  Moral of the story: if I'm going to McDonald's (or any other place with the potential for mistakes), I'd better keep my jeans on.  They're gonna get mine wrong.

Emotional Attachment

It's all gone.  Every last remnant.  Today I lost the last remaining (seemingly unrelated) thing that reminded me of my journey to Motherhood - my credit card number.  It's a strange feature of my brain, I know, but I've always had a knack for remembering long strings of numbers.  So, as I gave out my number "freely" and on several occasions during our IVF cycle and subsequent FETs, I unintentionally memorized the sequence - including the 3 digit security code on the back.  I even kept that card in my nightstand after it expired and a new one came.  Like it or not, it was a small piece of the puzzle that brought me my love.  I'm no hoarder, but I'm definitely the sentimental type.
Since that original cycle, that card has expired and I've had two more in its place.  But yesterday, as I was preparing to pay my bill, I noticed a charge that I did not make listed on my statement.  Further investigation showed an identical charge still pending from earlier this week.  Someone had used my card number for some type of subscription, it seemed.  Nothing else, though. (I guess some crooks are crazy - or maybe they were just seeing if they could get away with it before buying something big.) I immediately disputed the charges with my bank and had the account frozen.  This morning, I had a message to call as soon as possible, so I did.  They have removed the charges and are replacing my card.  I know it is totally crazy, but a tiny little part of me is sad about getting a new credit card number.
I know that I won't forget my journey.  If nothing else, it is recorded HERE.  Every single time I quoted it from memory (or, more frequently, keyed it in while ordering something online), I thought of my sweet boy and how that number helped bring him into my life.  But it makes me angry that everyone can't play by the rules, so we law-abiding citizens are the ones who have to change.
On a side note, has it really been over 3 months since I last blogged?  Shame on me!  I've "written" many posts in my head, but couldn't seem to get them logged in, I guess.  I'll try to do better, just in case anyone is still interested...or for my own therapeutic needs.  Whichever the case may be...