Answering the TOUGH question

I've been pondering a tough question lately.  It's not a question I need to answer for myself, but rather one I anticipate getting from people who don't really know me when they find out I'm expecting.  Because I know they will.  And I'm pretty sure I'll hear this question at least once during the next 7 months.

Is this your first child?

For many people, this is a simple question with a clear-cut answer.  Yes or no.  My dilemma is that I don't know how to answer it.  How much information do strangers deserve?  Granted, even the people who know me and see me every day or every week (I'm thinking church here) don't all know about my troubles.  But they won't ask.  They'll just assume that it is because I don't have any living children.

If I answer "Yes," then it's like my angels didn't matter.  And they did.  They're what caused me to keep on fighting for my family.

If I answer "No," then it warrants an explanation of why there are never any kids in tow. 

*Sigh* 

Any advice?  Sorry...I'm a planner by nature.  I'd like to have a firm answer ready to go before this question gets fired at me. 

For now, I'm going to go enjoy this beautiful (albeit chilly) Saturday with my darling husband and my sweet little Jax.

Hugs and love,

Plan for Weaning

I've been in contact with my IVF nurse this week trying to figure out when I can actually stop all these IM injections.  Unfortunately, she has "current" patients to see to and hasn't gotten back to me.  I was a little bummed about it, but not upset.  I understand their needs are more immediate than mine. 

Today, however, I was surprised to see a missed call and voicemail message from the RE's office at lunch when I checked my cell phone.  It was from a different IVF nurse (I think it was the one who taught our IVF class).  She was calling with the plan for weaning me off my meds.  Basically, Dr. W wants me to stay on the current protocol (2cc PIO daily and 0.1 mL estradiol valerate on Tuesdays and Saturdays) until Feb. 10.  Then, I can stop the estrogen (so last injection is actually Feb. 7) and either change the PIO to 1cc daily or 2cc every other day through Feb. 17.  I haven't decided which I'd rather do yet.  I tried to estimate how much PIO I would need in an attempt to not order more than I HAVE to have, but no matter which way I go, I'm going to need 2 whole more vials and part of a 3rd.  Grr..it costs too much to waste!

I have one unopened vial left over from our fresh cycle.  It expired in October.  I wish I knew if it was okay.  I'm guessing no.  Too bad.  I could have saved that $50 for baby furniture!

Hope you are all doing well.

Hugs and love, 

The Perils of Blood Thinner

In addition to my nightly belly shots (haha...I still giggle over that), I also take 9 injections a week IM in the hip--a daily shot of PIO (2cc) and estradiol valerate on Tuesdays and Saturdays (0.1 mL).  I only have a few more weeks of these, but they would be much less of a big deal if I weren't taking the daily blood thinner injections.  You see, on several occasions, I have bled like a stuck pig after the injections.  I can't tell you how many times I've had to SHOUT out the drips from my pajama bottoms and my undies. 

The worst part is that this week must have been especially bad...only after the bleeding appeared to have stopped...because I have discovered drops of blood on the sheets.  The good sheets.  J's favorite sheets.  Good think it's laundry day.  Only a teeny bit seeped through to the mattress, and I think it's taken care of.  Gotta go soak those sheets in some cold water and make them good as new!

Hugs and love,

8w4d

Ultrasound #2 was yesterday, and things looked good. We saw that little heart flickering away at a rate of 186 bpm. Dr. G was pleased with our progress and is very optimistic.

I don't know if there was miscommunication about how far along we measured last time or if we are just a few days behind now, but no one seemed too concerned about it.

Except...that is the exact point we list our last angel. Kinda gave me the chills. So, back I go in two weeks. Peek #3 on February 3.

Hugs and love,

If I make it until tomorrow...

...I'll be more pregnant than I've ever been.  Today marks 8w4d.  The day our last little angel's heart stopped beating.  Technically, we were 9w1d, but we'd been measuring 4 days behind consistently at our previous 2 ultrasounds.  Of course, I won't know if all is well until Thursday.  I've tried so hard not to be negative about this, but I definitely think I'll breathe a little easier after an all-clear on Thursday. 

Had another round of super-light spotting last week.  It started on Tuesday (about a quarter-sized spot on my undies) and continued through Thursday (mostly only on the TP after using the restroom on Wednesday and Thursday).  This bout didn't freak me out like the first one did two weeks ago.  Probably because it wasn't red.  I still have cramping on and off, but it doesn't seem to be related.  I know when AF is here, cramps usually mean I'm bleeding more.  That's not the case here. 

I can't help but remember, though, that I had no reason to believe that something was wrong the last time, either.  So, I'm just going to pretend that everything is going swimmingly until I have been told otherwise. 

Happy Monday.  Hope your week is fantastic!

Hugs and love,

Found a Peanut...

There was a song I used to sing with my grandmother when I was little by this same title.  (I assume this was the title...it's what we called it, anyway.)  I still like to sing it on long car trips to help pass the time.  But, I digress.  On Thursday afternoon, I found a peanut of a different sort.  They gave me 3 pictures of our little peanut.  This is what I thought was the best one.  Another sneeky peak in 10 days.

Doctor Update

So, after waiting for nearly 2 hours, I FINALLY got to meet with Dr. G after our ultrasound yesterday.  (I blogged from J's phone in the waiting room so you wouldn't all come after me...not that I'm anything special, but I know what it's like to wait and wait and wait for an update from someone in a similar situation.  I didn't want to leave you all hanging.)  He said that everything looks GREAT.  We actually measured a day ahead of what I had figured at 7 weeks (hmm...seven).  Heartrate = 128.  He was so pleased with the pictures that I don't have to go back for 2 weeks.  Last time, we measured a few days behind and he insisted on having weekly ultrasounds for a couple of weeks. 

Of course, that means I'm in another 2ww.  I thought I was done with those for a while.  ;-)  Oh, well.  I'd scan the u/s pics but it just looks like a little peanut.  I showed it to my mom when I came out to wait for the doctor and she held it upside down.  (I'm horrible at looking at them, too, so I'm not making fun.  I might not have known it was upside down if my name wasn't on the top.)

Today, I allowed myself to relax a little bit.  I even googled creative ways to tell my students when I got home from school today.  I still don't plan on telling them for a while (unless it leaks...which is possible), but I'm a planner by nature, you know.

Have a fabulous weekend, everyone!

Hugs and love,

The sweetest words I've ever heard...

After the initial shock of "oh, no, I'm bleeding!" yesterday, it tapered off to scant spotting--mostly when wiping after having used the restroom--the rest of the night and all day today. I explained to the u/s tech what had happened and told her I was prepared for anything (well, as much as one can be). She studied the screen for several seconds and then uttered the sweetest words I've ever heard: "I see a baby and a heartbeat." I truly appreciated that she didn't make me wait until she was done.

I don't have details yet as I'm still waiting to see the doctor, but I wanted to keep you updated and thank everyone for their prayers. I'll post more tomorrow.

Hugs and love,

Am I doomed?

I just got home from school.  I made a quick pit stop at the Dollar store to pick up a couple of things after chatting with a coworker for a few minutes, and then came straight home.  I pushed Jax away for just a minute so I could use the restroom (hadn't been since lunch).

That's when I saw it.  All over my underwear.  Blood.  I'm scared, and I'm nervous, and I don't know what to do.  So, to avoid racing around my house like a lunatic, I decided to blog.  I'm not hurting, but it's definitely more than spotting...and it's red, too.  It's not pink or brown.  It's red.  I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow to see if it is, indeed, over.

Prayers appredicated.

Hugs and love,

Uncertainty

I feel like I've been MIA for ages and it's only been 3 days since my last post.  I don't really know what to say, but I feel the need to write. 
Let's be honest...I'm scared to death of all the things that could go wrong at Thursday's ultrasound.  Last time I was pregnant, I remember telling J that it never really occurred to me that we could have  gone in there and received devastating news (and then, of course, we were blind-sided at u/s #3).  I'm not usually the gloom-and-doom, expect-the-worst type.  But I can't help but be afraid.  I've tried to shake it, but I just can't.  I don't have any hunches that something is wrong...no "bad" symptoms to make me think things are less than perfect. 

I'm just plain old scared.  And I probably will be until I've passed my 3 hurdles.

And then some.