Three years ago at this time, I was anxiously waiting for UPS to deliver my blood thinner and quite nervous for the announcement we were about to make. This Christmas is shaping up to be the most "exciting" one yet, as Lincoln is much more active and expressive than ever. We don't have much conversational language, but there are definite thoughts being expressed from that little mind. He reminds me daily to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life. I'm soaking in all of these moments. For me, they are mommy firsts and, quite possibly, lasts all rolled into one. I know that the memories we have made this year are for me, as he will remember only through hearing about them (and seeing pictures), but I'm so very thankful for each one.
I'm hyper-emotional this morning for some reason. I have thought a lot about what "could have been", and perhaps allowing myself one more episode of sadness over the losses of the past year. Later, my family will gather to celebrate this season of love, and tomorrow we will host Christmas dinner at our home for both sides of our family. While there will be no visible vacancies from last year, which is a blessing by its own right, my heart knows of one. I don't know why it's hit me so hard this morning. I thought I was "over it." That loss was months ago. I have grieved. I have mourned. I have soaked up all the Lincoln I could (is it possible to love a child too much?). I thought I had moved on with one more memory of "my babies."
Maybe I will be better after I've had my annual Mello Yello (in memory of my grandmother). Merry Christmas to anyone reading this. I hope you have the best one yet.
