Reflections

2010 is quickly drawing to a close.  It's been a big year for me.  I was thinking last night about all of the changes I've had and the BIG events that have occurred this year for my little family.  In fact, I made a list of these moments. 

I'd have said you were crazy if, in 2009, you had told me:

* I'd jump from 11 blog posts (from May-December 2009) to 175 posts (from May '09-December '10).

* I'd go from about 5 blog "followers" to 34

* We would add on to our house and my MIL would move in with us.

* And her dog.

* We'd spend a good chunk of our savings and try a cycle of IVF.

* And I'd be able to actually poke myself with a needle.

* And it would work.

* Then we'd become a statistic with our first miscarriage.

* We'd get a puppy of our own.

* And I'd become a "dog person."

Here's hoping 2011 is the best.  Year.  EVER!  (For all of you, too!)


Hugs and love,

Do you believe in miracles?

I do.

As a matter of fact, I believe I was the recipient of one yesterday.  If you've read my recent posts, you'll know that J and I are considering doing an FET in the not-so-distant future (the exact time has not yet been decided for a number of reasons), but we were waiting to get our financial affairs in order before making any firm plans or decisions.

Last Tuesday--the day before our follow-up appointment and 4 days before Christmas--J and I met at the bank for our closing meeting on our loan for the house project.  I am all too familiar with this process and the ten thousand signatures we'd be required to make, this being my third time (once when I built the house in '05 and then again in February '09 when we refinanced).  The good news: we do not have to make a January payment since they paid off our loan just this week.  The other good news: they overestimated something on our loan (I think), which caused us to get a refund check in the mail after the paperwork went through.

If you'll recall (geesh, I'm asking you to do a lot of remembering, aren't I?), during our follow-up appointment, our RE told us she'd do an FET at a disounted rate for us.  While we questioned the reasoning, we thoroughly expected to receive the information she said she'd mail to us and spend the rest of our lives wondering if it was the exact same information/pricing that everyone else received.  Imagine my surprise when the financial manager for the clinic called me yesterday around lunch time.  She just wanted to let me know that Dr. W. had submitted my chart for review and had noted that she would be doing an FET for us at a discounted rate.  She informed me that Dr. W. was giving us a 40% discount on the clinic's fee as well as a 40% discount on the labwork/ultrasound fees.  Apparently the normal "flat-rate fee" (the cost for those of us without insurance coverage) is $3400, which is pretty average according to my research; our cost will be $2240 (plus any drugs that may be required, which will be minimal if we choose to go with the natural cycle).  She was making a note in my chart for when I call in to make our payment.   

Yes, that is still A LOT of money, but it's a lot better than we were expecting.  So, where's the miracle?  On Tuesday, we received a check via FedEx for the refund from our loan consolidation for $1,560.  That's almost enough!  Dare I say I'm starting to hope again?

Hugs and love,

Buddies

There's nothing quite like curling up with a buddy for a nap on a cold winter day.

Oh, and congrats to my blogger buddy Samantha on the arrival of her precious bundle today.


Hugs and love,

Christmas 2010

Christmas is usually my absolute, without a doubt, favorite time of the year.  I love the music, the decorations, finishing up the shopping, wrapping presents, the snuggling on the couch and just looking at the Christmas tree, drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies, and, of course, the family time.  But this year, it was bittersweet.  I still enjoyed those things, but each time something ended, my mind would run to what was supposed to happen this Christmas.  We were supposed to make a BIG announcement.  *sigh*  I know I have a lot of blessings from this year, and I'm trying very hard to focus on that instead of my troubles.

If you've read my blog for the last month or so, you'll know that we've recently gotten a puppy--a Miniature Schnauzer--named Jax.  I tried to capture the highlights of Jax's first Christmas in my photos this year.  Here are a few of them.  (If you're friends with me on Face.book, you may have already seen many of these--sorry!)

Getting a pre-open presents belly rub.  Aww, yeah!

Hurry up, mom.  I think there might be treats in there!

Thanks, Uncle Nick, for the Hill.topper bandana.  I've got spirit, yes I do!

Yeah, me and my dad, we're WKU fans!

Yeah, I've got the whole family wrapped around my paw.

Whew!  This opening presents stuff is interrupting my nap time.

Get that camera out of my face, dad.  I'm trying to get some sleep here!

When we got home on Christmas Eve, this is how much snow we already had!  (It got up to around 5 inches by morning.)  But no playing tonight.  We had to go to bed so Santa could come!

On Christmas morning, I had to get up early to help dad open his stocking.

Whatcha got there, dad?  Is it a treat?

Ah, nothing like being surrounded by your new best friends.  Thanks, Santa, for the toys.

Gotta give dad some kisses before he helps me open my presents. 

Well don't just sit there, open up those treats!

Check out this new blanket I got!

Oh, and don't forget the pajamas!  Party at my house tonight!

Hey, guys!  Did you know there was snow out there just WAITING to be played in?

Finally, when we got home Christmas afternoon, I got to play in the snow!  Mom made me put my sweater on so I wouldn't get so cold...

...but I still ended up with clumps of snow stuck in my fur.

Mom finally figured out that if she warms a towel in the dryer while I'm playing outside, she can swaddle me up to thaw out when I get back in. (She sneaks in some extra cuddle time that way, too.  She's sneaky, that one!)

Now that Christmas is over, I'd better start working off all those extra treats! 

Have a great week, everyone!

Hugs and love,

The Follow-Up

J and I had our follow up appointment yesterday at the fertility clinic.  I picked him up from work at 9:00 so we could make our 10:30 appointment and he wouldn't have to take much time off work.  It was kind of nice making the drive without guzzling water along the way.  (I have deep veins, and for all of those bloodwork appointments, I made sure I was well-hydrated--I read somewhere that it helps make your veins more "visible."  Whether it's true or not, they didn't have trouble hitting a vein once, so I guess I'll keep doing it when I can!)

On the way there, we brainstormed a list of questions we may want to ask.  Of course, we planned to let Dr. W. talk to us first and give us any information she had, then we'd ask any questions we had if they weren't answered.  J even had this whole speech planned out in case he needed it, but he got rather heated by the end.  I asked him if he was going to go in there and embarrass me.  (Doesn't take much.)  He promised he wouldn't, then asked why I would be embarrassed by his concerns and questions.  I simply stated that I didn't think we should go into the appointment angry.  What happened to us could have happened at any time--whether or not it came with a hefty price tag.  It couldn't have been predicted or prevented.

So, we enter to find the Christmas decorations up (funny thing...I saw the Halloween ones, then Thanksgiving, and now Christmas).  We signed in and were given our identification bracelets and a short form to fill out.  It was simple, really: 1.)  List any concerns or questions you want to make sure and discuss with the doctor today.  2.)  Do you need any refills?  Tests?  Forms?  Other?  We filled out our form and commenced to waiting.  Once again, we cleared the waiting room, but were called back very close to our appointment time.  (We had arrived about 25 minutes early--you just never know how traffic is going to be.)  Soon, Dr. W came in our exam room and immediately apologized for our pregnancy not continuing.  She did feel confident, however, that given examinations and hormone levels, it was a "genetically-abnormal" embryo and not a problem with my uterus.  (Thanks.  It's nice to have something work correctly for a change.) 
She also felt that we WOULD be successful, considering we have 9 embryos to work with.  (She seemed impressed by that number.)

Since the only question we wrote down was about the success rate of an FET, she asked pretty quickly if we were considering one in the new year.  We told her that yes, eventually, it was on our to-do list.  She then asked what our hold up would be.  I wanted to scream, Money, lady!  Money!  We just laid down a small fortune to your clinic and ended up with enough tears to flood the Nile!  But I didn't.  Before I could answer, she looked at me and said, "Is it the finances?  Because we can discount this cycle." 

We were originally hoping to have the money saved in time to schedule something (if it worked out) for the week of my spring break, and if not then during the summer when I'm out of school.  Dr. W did point out that if we did an FET with a natural cycle, it would cost less (nearly no drug expenses--just some progesterone, I think), but the timing would be left up to my body and therefore not able to be controlled.  If we choose to do a medicated cycle (complete with Lu.pron, estrogen, and progesterone), we can time things to happen when we want but the drugs will cost about an extra $500.  She's going to send us some information next week in the mail about the cycle, including a sample calendar so we can get a feel for the process.  She did say that because I am a teacher and am out of town that she'll work with me to get the monitoring visits done in the aftenoon so I won't have to miss so many whole work days (half days will be MUCH better for me as we approach the state testing window).  She also informed us that their typical protocol with FET's following a failed cycle was to thaw 2 embryos and transfer whatever survived.  So, if both survived the thaw, they both would be transferred.  We are totally okay with that.

So, I'm not exactly sure what we do from here.  I'm supposed to return to my Met.formin (I'm waiting until Sunday) and call her in a couple of cycles to let her know how regular they are to see if I am a candidate for a natural cycle FET.  J and I have decided that at this point, saving some money is more important than saving sick days.  I still have 95.  As soon as we can afford it (we didn't get any pricing yet except for the drug estimate), there WILL be an FET in our future.  The time and protocol are yet to be determined. 

By the way, there was no charge for the appointment.  I thought that was pretty considerate.

Hugs for E and Allison tonight.  I'm thinking about you, ladies.

Sidenote: Jax lost his first tooth (that we know about) tonight.  My baby is growing up!

Hugs and love,

For the first time in OVER 3 years...

...I can't tell you what CD I'm on.
...I don't know when to expect O or if we've already missed it.
...I have no idea what my waking temperature is.
...I haven't POAS in 3 weeks (OPK or otherwise).

Just wanted to document this for posterity's sake.  Follow-up appointment with the RE at 10:30 today.  I'm hoping for optimistic news (and an affordable FET pricetag).

Hugs and love,

Just taking a moment...

...to count my blessings this Christmas season.  It seems I've spent the past 3 weeks wallowing in self-pity.  I'm not looking for sympathy--not at all.  People feeling sorry for me won't change the situation or make anything better.  And I am keenly aware of the fact that no matter how bad I may think things are for me, there are tons of people out there who are worse off than I, who have greater needs than I.  In the great scheme of things, I'm very fortunate.

I have a husband who loves me and comes home to me every night.  There is a roof over my head, food on my table, and clothes in my closet.  We both have good, stable jobs, and we each have a dependable car to drive (and both are paid off).  We have somehow managed to maintain just a little money in savings, and while we are rich by no means, we are comfortable. 

J told me yesterday that he's stopped reading my blog.  It made me kind of sad.  But he said he didn't want to read about how I was feeling when the rest of the world did.  I wasn't sure if that made me sad or mad.  We're not exactly alone.  Hardly ever, in fact, until we go to bed--except on weekends.  If I hash out my feelings at bedtime, I'll never get any sleep.  So I don't know what I'm supposed to do to fix this.  This is not exactly how I thought our new living situation would be.  But I'm trying to deal with it as best I can. 

Gee, I didn't mean to turn this post into a gripe-fest.  I'm sorry.  I truly am thankful for all of the good things in my life.  Including you all!  Thanks for being there when I needed you most.  I love you all, and in case I don't make it back here for a few days, I wish you the Merriest Christmas ever!

Hugs and love,

Grounded!

Jax is officially GROUNDED!  And on the first day of Christmas break, too.  I took him out a little while ago to go potty, or so I thought.  Sometimes, he still likes to explore the backyard after he does his business.  After all, he's lived here for less than 2 months now, and he's still discovering his territory.  He's been really good, though, about going out without his leash.  Not anymore!

After he pottied (is that even a word?), he started sniffing around and running about the back yard.  Nothing unusual.  Then, he ventured around the corner of the house.  He's done that before, too.  He never goes past the antenna tower, which is about 2 feet around the corner.  I called for him, and he didn't come back.  So, I tiptoed around the corner and found him halfway to the front of the house.  When I called for him again, he kept right on running.  He was amazed to find that we had a front yard.  He was nearly to the road (it's a country road, not a major highway, but still a road nonetheless; the cars wouldn't hurt any less) before I was able to get him to turn around and run back to the house.

So, now Jax is not allowed to venture out to potty without his leash.  At least for a while.  He knows he's being punished, and he's been pouting.  But now, I have to go calm down my vicious dog.  He's barking at his own reflection in the fireplace.

Hugs and love,

Snow Day

School was cancelled today because of snow, and I had high hopes of accomplishing everything I didn't get done this weekend.  Things like wrapping presents, fixing Christmas cards, and finishing decorating the tree in the family room (we ran out of ornament hooks earlier and had to get some more) in addition to the usual Monday laundry (only I didn't have to wait until after work to start it) were just a few of the things on my to-do list.  Yeah, it's noon and none of those things are completed yet.  I blame the headache I woke up with for my late start.  I do have one load of laundry completed, one in the dryer, and the last load in the washer at the moment, AND the Christmas cards are on their way to being finished.  So the day hasn't been a complete wash-out. 

What have I been doing, you might ask?  Well, that's simple.  You see, this is the first snow day I've had with a puppy.  Jax absolutely LOVES playing in the snow!  He didn't care much for it when it snowed right after Thanksgiving, but he seems to love it now.  He wants to go outside about every 5 minutes or so.  I haven't taken him out that often, but he'll go and sit by the door about that frequently.

Here are a few pictures of my li'l darling enjoying his first big snow.

Sam, MIL's bassett hound, was a little less than thrilled to be out in the snow.

Yes, that's my precious Jax burrowing through the snow.

Come on, let's go get dried off and get a treat!

My new favorite thing...puppy prints in the snow.

Hugs and love,



Emotions

Webster defines emotion as “a conscious mental reaction subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.” I did a search a few days ago to find out just how many human emotions exist. The results were mixed (thank you, Dr. Goo.gle). Some say 6, some say. Even one site I found gave 48 different emotions. I tend to go more with the 6 or 7.

They further break these main emotions into subcategories: secondary and even tertiary to the primary emotions themselves. Most “experts” seem to agree that the basic, primary emotions are: fear, joy, love, sadness, surprise, and anger. (Note: The site I found that listed 7 basic emotions separated sadness and grief. I completely agree.)

I once had a history teacher tell me (in a class) that it was not uncommon for a soldier at war to experience all forms of human emotion at once. Over the past week and a half, I’ve found the same to be true for those suffering from Infertility—especially those experiencing a miscarriage.

Because this is a part of my life that I will never forget, yet am pained to remember, I thought perhaps this—my blog—was the perfect place to sort out those emotions.

1. Fear -- to be afraid or apprehensive
Sub-categories: anxiety, apprehension, distress, dread, tenseness, uneasiness, worry, alarm, fright, panic, shock, terror

Perhaps I will always live with the fear of miscarriage happening again. On December 1, I was certainly stricken with panic, worry, shock, and uneasiness when I discovered the beginning of the end.

2. Joy -- the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires
Sub-categories: amusement, bliss, elation, delight, happiness, jubilation, excitement, thrill, exhilaration

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I have experienced joy. From the moment that I thought I saw that faint, faint second line on Thanksgiving morning until the moment I saw the slightest bit of spotting on December 1, I was as happy as I’ve ever been in my whole life. I had everything I’d ever wanted and had waited for for so long.

3. Love -- strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
Sub-categories: fondness, attraction, adoration, sentimentality, caring

How do you love someone you’ve never even met yet? It’s possible. And I’d never felt so close to J, either. You could see the love in his eyes, too. At least, I could. Others might not have noticed the difference, but it was there.

4. Sadness – affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness; causing or associated with grief or unhappiness
Sub-categories: depression, unhappiness, misery, melancholy, gloom, despair

Here’s where some of the experts and I disagree. Some separate sadness and grief. I’ve experienced both in my lifetime, but I have a newfound relationship with grief I never wanted. I completely agree that the two are related, yet different. I was sad when my favorite television show was cancelled, when they stopped making Hawa.iian Punch sugar-free lemonade mix, and when my best friend moved to Louis.ville, then Nash.ville, then Wis.consin. But I grieved at the sudden loss of my aunt (in 2001), my great-grandmother just 10 days later, my grandmother (in 2003), and our baby angel last week. (I’ve lost other people that I knew, but I wasn’t necessarily close enough to them to actually grieve those losses. Rather, they only made me sad.)

5. Surprise – an attack made without warning; a taking unaware
Sub-categories: astonishment, amazement

Even though I was hopeful that our IVF cycle would be successful, and I tried my very best to remain optimistic, I was still in for the shock of my life when I actually saw that second line on the test. So, yes, I experienced surprise.

6. Anger – a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism
Sub-categories: fury, wrath, bitterness, loathing, resentment, hate, loathing, agitation, aggravation, disgust

I tried my best to keep this one at bay. I tried not to be angry, but it was hard. And there seem to be babies and pregnant bellies everywhere. Even on television—it seems like all of my favorite shows have a character that is dealing with IF. And the writers keep getting it all wrong, just for the record. I do think I’m past this stage, though. I still have some very strong feelings at times, but I don’t feel so angry anymore.

J thinks that perhaps it is time for me to take a break from the blog. I resisted. I need a venting place. And you, dear readers, understand. You get it. You truly feel my pain because you have been there for yourselves. Until recently, I was unable to provide the proper support for those of you going through the same things. Sure, I could sympathize with the IF issues, but it is only now that I can support anybody dealing with m/c from an “I’ve-been-there” point of view. I hope none of you need me for this anytime soon, but if you do, I will have a new understanding for how you are feeling.

Hugs and love,

How are you doing?

I'm not quite sure how to answer this question, yet I've received it at least once daily since last Wednesday.  I truly appreciate everyone's concern (though there are people more in need of it, I'm sure), but please don't be offended if my answer is, "I'm not sure."  It's the truth.  I'm not.  I know the "correct" answer, i.e., the answer everyone wants to hear is I'm fine.  But I'm not fine.  And I question if I'll ever be "fine" again.

Physically, I am fine.  Things seem to be tapering off, and I'm crossing my fingers that the worst is behind me.  Even the bruises from the shots and blood draws are healing nicely.  My numbers are continuing to decline, and the RE expects the results to be "negative" at Thursday's test. 

Emotionally, I'm a wreck.  I still have good moments where I'm giving the illusion that I have it all together, but there are still plenty of moments when I come unglued.  And it doesn't usually take much (or even anything at all) to trigger a breakdown that leave me dissolved in a pool of tears. 

All day today, I've just been thinking about how happy I was this time last week.  I had everything I could possibly want: a good job, a husband who loves me, a warm bed to sleep in, and at long last, I was pregnant.  Life was good.  I couldn't count my blessings because they were too plentiful.  I can only remember feeling so happy and at peace two other times in my life: the night the Lord saved my soul and when J and I got engaged (yes, two VERY different events, but still...they were both life-altering).  And then on Wednesday, it all came crashing down.  No, I didn't lose everything (thank God), but it sure did feel like somebody sucked out all the air in the room. 

Maybe it's strange, but I think the thing I miss the most (other than the obvious anticipation of actually bringing a baby home at the end of it all) is the way J looked at me.  There was so much excitement and love in his eyes.  He looked at me like I was the most important person in the whole world.  After all, I was carrying his child.  He'd look at me, then pick Jax up and say, "Jax, guess what?  Mama's gonna have us a baby!"  Not that I doubt that he still loves me, but he just doesn't look at me the same way.  Maybe I'm crazy.  But I sure miss it.  I hope he looks at me that same way again someday.

I love you all.  Thank you for stopping by.  Have a blessed day.

Hugs and love,

It's falling

My hcg level, that is.  Yesterday's draw showed it to be down to 41.  So, at least it's going in the "right" direction, given the circumstances.  I go back on Wednesday (I think) for another draw.  I hate this waiting for things to really start.  I just want it over with.

I appreciate all of the support from you ladies.  It truly is helping me get through this.  You get it.  You understand.  Many of you have been here for yourselves.  The few IRL friends who knew are trying to be supportive as  best they can, but I've heard, "You have nine more" more times than I care to count in the past 3 days.  Yes, that is true.  However, that procedure costs money, too.  We can't just jump back on the wagon and proceeed.  We have discussed it just a bit, and we have decided to let ourselves rest for a bit.  Heal just a little.  Then, maybe we can time something for spring break or even summer.  To minimize my time off work, and maybe we won't have to let too many people in the loop this time.

Here's a picture of Jax all dressed up for Christmas.  He's growing like  a weed!  It cheers me up when I look at it.  If you're having a bad day, maybe it will make you smile, too.

Hugs and love,

I think I HAD survivor's guilt...

For some reason, I just hadn't been able to wrap my brain around this pregnancy thing.  You know..that was something that happened to other people.  Just like IVF was something other people did.  Until last month.  Then it was my turn.  I actually felt a little bit guilty that things worked so well for us.  I've met so many wonderfully deserving people through the wonderful world of the internet, yet many of you have suffered miscarriages and other such dream-squashing realities.  Why was I so lucky?

Then came today.  From the time I got dressed this morning, I just didn't feel quite right.  I couldn't put my finger on it, and I just chalked it up to hormones.  Then around lunch time, I felt just a tad bit crampy.  That was okay.  I'd read in a million different places that cramping was normal.  Nothing to worry about.  Just before I picked my kids up from art class at 12:05, I went to use the restroom and discovered that I was spotting.  Nothing major, just some brownish discharge when I wiped and just a teeny little spot on my undies.  Uh-oh.  Now, while I'd read that spotting is also normal, it's never a good thing when you have cramping and spotting at the same time.  I began to fear the worst.  And of  course, my students were of no assistance.  They were wilder than ever.  I was supposed to go in for my 3rd beta this afternoon anyway.  I emailed J and he actually asked my local OB/GYN (he works across the hall from him) about it and he said that we shouldn't worry until after today's numbers came back. 

So, after I had the test done, J and I went up to his office to wait for the results.  He tried to be optimistic the entire time we waited, but I just knew it wasn't going to be good news.  Still yet, nothing could prepare me for it.  The results came back at 140.  I was at 153 on Monday.  It's over.  So now, I wait.

I thank each of you for your well-wishes throughout this process.  I'm not sorry I did it.  And as soon as we save up some money, we'll try an FET.  But for now, we mourn.  We will mourn the child we will never get to meet, yet already loved.  It just breaks my heart.  J was SO excited.  I hope he takes some time to grieve for himself.  He's going to be such a terrific dad.  Someday.

This sucks.  (And I hate that word.  I don't let my students use it.  But it does.)

Hugs and love