On the first day of Stims...

...my body gave to me
some cramps
and a bruised belly.

Okay, given, I think the cramps are from the pending AF following BCP, but I needed some words in there for rhythm.  I started Foll.istim this morning bright and early.  I set two different alarms--one to get it out of the fridge so it could warm to room temperature, and the other so I could administer it at around 6:00.  It was hard rolling out of bed both times (especially since they weren't all that far apart), but I needed the timing to be convenient for the work week, too.  Actually, I got up early both times, so neither alarm got to actually go off.

At 5:50, I decided I'd go ahead and get up since it might take some time to round up my courage.  I stood in front of the bathroom mirror with my supplies gathered around. Okay, who am I kidding--I gathered them last night.  They were all right there waiting for me: Foll.istim pen case with BD needles and pen, sharps container, alcohol wipes x 2, sterile guaze pad.  I washed my hands and prepared the pen.  After cleaning my skin with the second alcohol wipe, I pinched up some skin and tried to take the plunge.  But it wouldn't go in. 

Oh, not to worry.  There was nothing wrong with the needle.  It was user error.  (More like user-chickening-out.)  I just couldn't stab myself with that needle.  I tried 3 or 4 different times before looking in the mirror and saying, "Angie, this is nuts.  Just do it."  Yes, I had broken out into a cold sweat so now my hands were slippery.  But I counted to 3 and ... stopped short again.  What if I don't jab hard enough and it doesn't even break the skin?  I don't think I can do this again.  Crazy, yes, but that's what ran through my head and stopped my efforts that last time.  I shook it off and made one last attempt--a successful one.  It didn't hurt much, but the site stung for about 15 minutes afterward.  Now, there's a little bruise there.  In a way I'm glad.  At least I'll know where not to stick myself for a couple of days. 

I'm hoping tonight's round goes as smoothly.  Maybe I won't have to use as many practice stabs this time.  For now, I'm just waiting on the little ghosts and goblins to visit so I won't have to eat all this candy!  (Our county is trick-or-treating tonight instead of tomorrow night.)

Five years ago today, J and I met.  If you'd have told me then that in five years I'd be giving myself injections so that we could maybe have a baby together after 3 years of trying on our own, I'd have said you were crazy.  But crazy or not, here we are.  Though this journey is rough, I can't imagine walking it with anybody else.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

I'm Suppressed...

Yay!  This morning, my mom and I headed for NFC for my suppression check and trial transfer.  Until yesterday, I was genuinely looking forward to this visit, as it would mean we were nearly ready to begin the "real" stuff.  (My mom drove me because J doesn't trust me to drive long distances alone.)  But yesterday, as I was preparing for my substitute today, it dawned on me that something could go wrong today.  What would I do if something was going on inside that jeopardized this whole thing?  (And when did I become so pessimistic?)

I shook it off, though, and went into today's appointment with nothing but high hopes.  And I was not disappointed.  The journey to the clinic was rather nerve-wracking--first we hit a rabbit, then traffic was backed up the closer we got to Nashville, but we made it through the bottle-neck and arrived fifteen minutes early (even after stopping downstairs to use the restroom--gotta empty they ole bladder before they weigh me, ya know!). 

The nurse drew some blood (first hurdle jumped...sometimes I'm hard to stick).  Then she took me to a room for the ultrasound.  A little uncomfortable, but nothing unbearable.  Then, I ventured to another room where my trial transfer and physical exam was performed. Everything went smoothly, but the nurse did tell me that my cervix is at a funny angle so she's going to recommend a cervical stitch at the time of retrieval in case they need it to aide in the transfer.  Turns out I do have a pesky yeast infection, so she gave me a prescription for that.  Hopefully that clears up SOON. 

At checkout (I love that they call it that), I was assigned a voicemail box where I will receive information and instructions for the duration of our cycle.  This afternoon, I was delighted to call the system and hear that my estradiol level was 41, meaning I am suppressed and I should go ahead and begin stimming on Saturday morning!  I will take 150 IU of Foll.istim in the a.m. and again in the p.m.  In 10 days, I'll add Gani.relix to the mix (which was NOT in my original box of drugs, so I had to get that ordered today...goodbye another $300).  I was a bit disappointed that my first monitoring appointment was changed from Tuesday to Wednesday--meaning I'll have to take the day off work instead of just heading down on Election Day--but I will survive.  But I may have to break down and tell the boss what's going on so he won't think I'm being a slacker taking off work two days next week (during a 4 day work week).  Yikes!  Any advice?

Well, I suppose I've rambled on enough.  Thanks for taking the time to check on us.  I couldn't do this without you all!

Hugs and baby dust,

Is it time to open presents yet?

That's kind of what it felt like when I got home yesterday afternoon and found my big box o' meds on my front porch.  (Of course, I knew it was there because I'd been tracking it since it left Boston via the UPS website.)  I was ready to unpack the sucker, take my required photo of all my new goodies, and then sock away the refrigerated items for safekeeping until next weekend.  That's when I realized my camera battery was dead.  No problem!  I have a back up battery for occasions such as this.  I went to get it from my bedroom, popped it in the camera, turned the camera on to test it (it worked), and ventured out to the front porch to snap a shot of the box--still unopened--where it rested.  I turned on my camera, and, much to my chagrin, the display showed: "Battery exhausted" and it turned itself back off.  Just my luck.  So, I cursed picked the box up and brought it in.  After getting the scissors to cut through the tape, I hesitated for just a moment.  This was it.  This is really happening.  To me.  To us.  I almost wish J was here with me.  Had there not been things in that box that needed immediate refrigeration, I'd have waited.  This was for him, too. 

So, I got it all out, one package at a time, and read it's contents label.  The cute little stryofoam cooler was a booger to open--that sucker was taped really well!  I quickly unpacked it, putting the Foll.istim cartridges and Ovi.drel syringes in a gallon freezer bag to keep it all together in the fridge until it's time for it.  (Don't want anybody mistaking it for a little box of margarine.  Hey, the 600 IU box does bear a slight resemblance to the Imper.ial box.) 

My arrangement of the tools of the trade had to wait until this afternoon.  As soon as I got home, I checked my email (I've contacted my nurse...again...because I think I'm missing a prescription.  I do NOT want anything little like this to mess this up for us), and when I saw that I had no response yet, I decided to go ahead and take my picture.  I cleared the coffee table and began to arrange my stuff.  Here's what I've got.  I've labeled it for your convenience, because I know you're just dying to know what all of this is.

1.  Foll.istim Pen Device

2.  Foll.istim AQ Cartridge (600 IU x 4)

     Foll.istim AQ Cartridge (300 IU x 2)

3.  Alcohol swabs (yeah, I don't think this going to be enough....I'll be picking up some more of these this weekend)

4.  Tetra.cycline 250 mg

5.  Meth.ylpred.nisolone

6.  Ovi.drel (HCG trigger x 2)

7.  Proges.terone in Oil (x 3)

8.  needles and syringes for PIO

9.  Complimentary book, Love and Inf.ertility (from the pharmacy)

10.  Sharps container

According to my nurse, there's another drug I'll be taking with the Foll.istim: dexa.methasone.  I'll get the filled locally after my suppression check next week.  I'm concerned because both the sample calendar I was given when I went in for IVF class and the IVF plan I received from my nurse three weeks ago stated that I would also take Ganir.elix beginning around day 6 of stims.  There was none of that on the packing list or in the box.  I've contacted my nurse to ask about this, but I have not heard back from her yet so I don't know if that's still a part of my protocol or not. 

I've made some quite notations as I thumbed through the drug information sheets that came with my meds, but I'm afraid I'll get too long-winded.  I need something to blog about tomorrow, anyway.  Happy weekend, all! I hope the weather is as great where you are as it is here.

Hugs and baby dust,

What's in your refrigerator?

So I just took inventory of our fridge, and for the most part, the contents are pretty typical:

* milk
* orange juice (low calorie, of course)
* lettuce
* jello cups
* water filter/dispenser
* cheese
* Foll.istim
* Ovid.rel

Yep.  That's right.  I had to push over the fruit to make room for the fertility drugs that arrived today.  Unfortunatly, my camera battery was dead, so I'll have to wait for it to charge before I can take the ceremonial picture of all my supplies all laid out.  Maybe I'll have it tomorrow afternoon. 

Oh, and I am SOOOOOO glad it's almost Friday.  My students have been especially keyed up this week.  I guess I'll blame the moon like everybody else, but I think they're just being ornery.  Next week will likely be worse...in anticipation of Halloween, of course.

Hugs and baby dust,

The Box and Happy ICLW

I could hardly believe it when I filled out the form for ICLW this month and actually put IVF as one of my three descriptors.  Me?  Yes!  If you're new here, welcome.  I hope you find something that makes you want to come back.  My husband, J, and I are about 2 1/2 weeks into our first (and only) IVF cycle.  For more information about our TTC history, check out the link at the top of this page. 

So, last night, just before I left for church I got an email from UPS.  They were letting me know that my "box" has shipped.  You know which one I'm talking about.  The big box o' drugs (fertility, that is).  My stomach dropped just a little when I read it, but I've taken great pride in utilizing the online tracker to locate my package.  It's kind of like a kid tracking Santa on Christmas Eve.  It should arrive tomorrow (last night when I went to bed, it was leaving East Boston, and this morning it was already leaving Louisville, KY).  I'm fighting the urge to forward the email to my work email account so I can track my shipment every chance I get...we'll see which side of my brain wins that one!

I got my first ever flu shot yesterday.  It didn't hurt--just a little pinch.  J thought I should get one since he's expecting me to be in a "high-risk" category by the time flu season actually gets here (Mr. Optimistic).  I obliged.  I hope I actually need it.  *Sigh*

Hope everybody has a great day!  Smile...it's almost Friday!

Hugs and baby dust,

1200 Days...

So, if you really knew me, it would come as no surprise that I know that exactly 1200 days ago I became  Mrs.  Today I was noticing that all of the titles I ever hoped to gain begin with the letter "M."  For 27 long years I was a "Miss," and I even doubted for a while if I'd ever become a "Mrs."  I worked hard to earn that "r" in my title, though, and am proud to sign my name as "Mrs. Angie" to letters going home to the parents of my students and notes scribbled to allow them permission to use the phone in the school office.  And pardon me if, during a time of hormonal rage, I irrationally point out that I am indeed a Mrs., not a Miss. 

Unfortunately, of those 1200 days of wedded bliss, J and I have spent approximately 1150 of them attempting to gain my next "m" title...Mom.  I guess that's inaccurate.  As we all know, we haven't tried every single day to achieve this goal.  But let's be honest.  We've planned everything around the possibility that this month could be "it."  (Yeah, I'm thinking maybe I'm overusing the quotation marks today.)  But it never was.  So, I have decided that this is it.  This IVF cycle is going to work because I said it was.  After having a major meltdown last night (after I saw all the charges posted to my credit card...that nearly equal the balance in my bank account; in addition to the bills for all the pre-requisite testing), J told me I had to stay positive. 

In honor of my newfound optimism, I've included a tube of a special lotion for stretchmarks in my Av.on order for our school fundraiser.  I guess if it doesn't turn out that I need it, I'll just throw it in with my next baby shower gift.

Upcoming: last BCP on Monday.  (TMI alert--I've been spotting since about Wednesday.  Is that normal?)Meds have been billed, and should be arriving on Thursday.  Yikes!  (Can I really do this?)  I'll be sure and take a pic like I've seen so many others do.  If for no other reason, for the memory.  This is, after all, my blog.

Love to all!

Hugs and baby dust,

One down...

One prescription, that is.  Tonight, with dinner, I took my last pill in a set of antibiotics in preparation for our upcoming IVF cycle.  I know, I know.  You already know we're pursuing IVF, but if I don't keep typing it, I'll never believe I'm actually doing it.  I'm on day five of the pill, and things are all scheduled for my suppression check on 10/28. 

House update: We're finished with everything except the concrete.  We need the sidewalk in front of our house extended and the apron poured to allow our cars access to the garage (which we've spent the better part of this weekend straightening up).  We've moved all of the stuff that was in our garage back from my uncle's house, and we think we've gotten it all out of the way enough to store our cars here (if the concrete ever gets done).  That's kind of a sore spot--the concrete.  Let me just say we've learned not to rely on family to repay any favors.  J's just about ready to let his fingers do the walking through the yellow pages to find somebody to take care of this.

I'd like to thank everyone for their support on this journey.  It means a lot to know that I have so many total strangers in my corner rooting for me.  Please know that even if I don't comment as frequently on your blogs as I'd like, I'm rooting for you, too. 

Hugs and baby dust,

The telling of the parents...

...wasn't exactly how I pictured it, but successful nonetheless.  We'd planned to have a quiet little dinner on Tuesday evening at home with our parents.  Unfortunately, we were "joined" by the Direc.T.V. installer who was here for the third time in two weeks trying to finish straightening out our issues (we were combining the accounts from our house and J's mom, since she lives here now, and adding whole-home viewing).  So, we had dinner, but I was a bit nervous and didn't eat much. 

Just before dessert, J picked up a cap from the stool at the kitchen counter and announced, "So, while you're all here, we just thought we'd pass the hat around because tomorrow, we've got to pay $_____ to NFC to begin our round of IVF."  I chimed in with some dates that I might need some company heading to Nash.ville, and my mom started going over dates from her calendar.  She'll be available for all of them except one, and my dad said he'd rearrange his day off to go with me on that day.  (J wants to save as many of his vacation days as possible in case this actually works.) 

I offered to explain any part of the process they cared to know about, as I forget everyone is not as well-versed on IF jargon as you ladies, and briefly went over the "highlights" of what would be happening over the next 5 or 6 weeks.  I invited their questions, but they didn't really have many right now.  (And, of course, the entire conversation was intermitten with off-topic interjections due to interruptions by the satellite guy.) 

Yesterday, after many unsuccessful attempts to make contact with the clinic to pay our balance, I was finally able to reach them just before closing time.  In an attempt to NOT max out our credit cards, we split the cost between my (cash-back-earning) credit card and J's.  So, when the bills come in at the end of the month, we will have depleted just over half of our savings.  But if this works, it'll all be worth it.  If it doesn't, well, at least we'll still have each other...and know that we tried everything we possibly could.  While I've read enough blogs and message boards to know that our longing is not any greater than others in our same position, but I can honestly say that there never was a child wanted more. 

Thus, the regimen begins.  Last night, J and I both began our Z-pa.ck and I took my first BCP in over 3 years.  I added extra Fol.ic Ac.id to the regular pre.natal vitamin I've been taking (for the last 3 years).  I never consumed much caffeine to begin with (it counteracts my blood pressure meds), and I'm trying to keep the fresh fruit a priority in my diet (despite the fact that I sliced my thumb last night on my apple cutter).  I suppose this part of the process will be the easiest for me, as I've done most of this stuff every two weeks for the past 3 years.  I guess that's not so odd, as I've read many other fellow IFers distress over living their lives in two week intervals, treating their bodies as if they were already pg. 

So, perhaps I'll have some good news to record here in a few weeks.  Either way, I'm thankful for the people I've met along this journey thus far.  You're some of the strongest people on Earth, and I'm grateful to be able to share this experience with you.

Hugs and baby dust,

Here goes nothing...

Today is the day.  We've finally arrived at CD1.  While we held out the slightest bit of hope that we wouldn't actually have to go through with this and that the Clo.mid I took for the challenge test would actually work this time, last night we resigned ourselves to the reality that this is really happening.  To us.  It was quite evident by bedtime that *spot* was indeed that tell-tale precursor to the lovely, uninvited AF, and I started psyching myself up for "the phonecall."  (You may recall that I suffer from telephobia.) 

At IVF class, we were instructed to call our assigned IVF nurse on CD1 to get the ball rolling on the cycle and our meds ordered.  (We were given prescriptions for BCP and antibiotics that day, so they're all ready to go.)  So, now I just need to find the perfect time to call.  I figured I'd end up having to  leave a message, just like the other ten times I've called the facility.  But that's okay with me.  I understand and appreciate, even, the fact that they want to pull my chart and be able to look at it while they're talking to me.  By 9:15, I had summoned up the courage to make the call.  *Just for the record, I was not so chicken that I couldn't do it, it's just that there is no turning back once this call is made.  There's a lot riding on this phonecall.* I dialed the number and listened to the pleasant voice review the options:

If you are a doctor or a doctor's representative, press 1.  Nope, that's not me.
If you are a new patient and would like to schedule a new patient appointment, press 2.  That's not me, either.
If you are an established patient and would like to reschedule an appointment, press 3.  What?  No!  I just wanna talk to my IVF nurse, Kelli!
If you are calling to inquire about test results, press 4.  Um, I'm getting nervous, here...
If you would like to schedule surgery, press 5.  I'd like to have this overwith, please.
If you have questions about your account or would like to pay your account balance, press 6.  Uh-oh, we're running out of numbers.
If you'd like to speak to someone in medical records, press 7.  I don't know.  Is that where Kelli is?
If you have questions about our office location or need directions, press 8.  Don't need directions...I've been there.
To speak to an operator, press 0.  Well, there you have it.  Nine stinkin' options, and not one of them is the one I need!

I hung up and redialed 3 more times to make sure I didn't miss an option that I needed.  (That's how I got most of these down word-for-word.  A couple of them are just close to the actual message.)  I finally gave up and pressed '0.'  I then explained that I was calling my IVF nurse to report CD1.  The nice lady on the phone took my name and contact information and said she'd pull my file and have Kelli call me back in a little while.  Two hours later, she did!

And we are a go.  She's placing my prescription order, so the pharmacy will be contacting me either today or tomorrow.  I start BCP on Wednesday, and J and I both start an antibiotic on Wednesday as well.  I will go for a suppression check on 10/28 and start stims on 10/30 (which just happens to be the anniversary of when J and I met...aww.)  I'm thankful I won't have to leave my students in the hands of a substitute for their Halloween party (while it's not a very taxing day curriculum-wise, I never feel comfortable leaving subs to manage special occasions), and I'm doubly thankful that my first monitoring appointment will be on Election Day--so I won't even have to take time off for that one!

I can't believe this is all happening.  We've made a plan to have the parents over tomorrow night for dinner to break the news to them.  They knew this was our best shot at having a family, but none of them know we've actually been to the doctor and started the process.  We'd have kept it a secret, but J doesn't want me to drive the long distance alone to monitoring appointments (my mom is retired and can most likely accompany me), and his mom recently moved in with us.  I don't want her to think I'm shooting up or something if she sees all the injection paraphernalia. 

Now, I suppose, I just wait.  Wait to spend all my money.  Wait to endure what promises to be a torturous week of AF.  Wait to see that glimmer of hope that this may actually work and I could be using LOTS of thos built-up sick days next school year.  Dare I say I'm just the teensiest bit...excited? 

Hugs and baby dust to all,