10 Day YOU Challenge -- 6 Places

6 places

I don’t really know what this means, so I’m going to just list six places I like to be.

1.       Home

2.       New York

3.       On a roller coaster (literal, not emotional)

4.       On a Carni.val cruise ship (don’t really care where it’s going)

5.       The mountains

6.       Walt Disney World

10 Day YOU Challenge -- 7 Wants

I want…

1.       to be a mom

2.       to visit all 50 states

3.       to perform on Broadway (yeah, like that’s gonna happen)

4.       to be able to build my family without worrying about going broke (I’m not greedy—I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just don’t want to lose it all)

5.       to have skinny arms so I can wear all those cute tops and dresses that are in the stores without feeling like everyone is staring at my big, fat arms (vain, I know)

6.       my family to be happy

7.       to finish hanging pictures in the family room

10 Day YOU Challenge -- 8 Fears

8 Fears

This is hard for me.  I’m not one to openly talk about all of the things I’m afraid of.  Some of the things on this list you may have read before (if you’ve read much of my blog), but not all of them.  Bear with me. 

1.       God.  This is what keeps me on my toes.  He’s also the one who can take all of these other fears from me.

2.       Phone calls.  I can take them; I just can’t make them (usually).  There’s a tiny little handful of people who I feel comfortable calling on the phone (J, my parents, and I’m getting more and more comfortable calling the IVF nurse—probably because I know I’ll be leaving a message).  It’s not what you think, either.  I just don’t want to bother people.  I have this incessant fear of interrupting something important or upsetting somebody just by being on the other end of the line.  I’m very appreciative of the makers of email and text messaging, as this allows others to respond to me at their leisure. 

3.       Snakes.  I don’t care if they won’t hurt me, I don’t like ‘em.  I have a very vivid memory of stepping on one as a small child, and I have never liked them since.  I don’t freak out if I’m in a controlled environment with them (like at the zoo), but I don’t want to touch them, I don’t want to encounter them in the wild, and I prefer a thick piece of plexi-glass to separate us.

4.       Making decisions.  I think I’ve mentioned before that I am terrible at making decisions.  While most around me find this particularly annoying, I think I must just be too considerate of other people.  For instance, when my husband asks me where I’d like to eat when we go out, I don’t say, “It doesn’t matter to me, where do you want to eat?” to be annoying, but rather, I thought he might have something in particular he’d been thinking about having. 

5.       Disappointment.  I’m afraid I will disappoint my husband if I never make him a father, my parents if they never have grandchildren, and myself if I am never able to put into practice the mothering skills I so desperately tried to use on my brother when I was 6.

6.       Dementia.  I have this fear of growing old and not being able to remember the best parts of my life.

7.       Being alone.  It’s not what you think, though.  I’m not really afraid to be by myself.  In fact, I lived alone for a year and a half before we got married.  But IF has made me fear that I could grow old and be completely alone.  When my grandmother fell the other day, I began to think about my own future.  What if I outlive J, and we don’t have any children?  If I take a nasty fall, who would I call?  Would anyone come to look for me?  This is not something I dwell on often, but I can’t say it’s never popped into my mind before.

8.       My own imagination.  Because I can dream up situations that are much scarier than what I’ve actually experienced, my imagination can be my greatest asset or my worst enemy.  The good news is that I am not a chronic worrier by trade.  Don’t get me wrong, if someone I love is making a long trip or having surgery, I breathe easier when I know they are safe from harm.  But I spent my life watching other people worry incessantly, and I decided early on that I was not going to be that way if I could help it.  It’s a good thing, too, otherwise my overactive imagination would keep my mind torn up all the time.  Need an example?  Okay.  A few weeks ago, right at the beginning of summer break, two suspected terrorists were arrested by the FBI on county over from us (scary, right?).  The police said that no one was ever in immediate danger, nor were any nearby cities ever a suspected target.   BUT…the next day, when I went to take a shower, Jax had a barking fit.  Most likely, he was either barking at some birds in our front yard or some innocent passerby talking a stroll down our street that he could see out the window.  I didn’t think much about it and went on with my shower.  Then, suddenly, the barking stopped.  I couldn’t hear a thing.  Well, I conjured up this image of some terrorist breaking into the house.  Jax was probably dead and they were looking for me next.  Now wanting to be murdered while naked and fresh from the shower, I jumped out and locked the door.  (Yeah, that’ll keep them out.)  Then I hopped back in, finished my shower, and searched the bathroom for some clothes to put on.  I took a deep breath, unlocked the door, and left the safety of the bathroom to find my sweet puppy waiting patiently right outside the door.  Life returned to normal, and I wasn’t afraid of that anymore.

10 Day YOU Challenge -- 9 Loves

9 Loves…gee whiz.  Sure there are nine things I love, but how am I gonna pick just 9?  I guess I’ll have to seriously look at the word “love” versus “like” or “am fond of.”  That should help.  Are there still 9?  We’ll see.  Here they are.  Pretty much in order.

1.        God

2.       My husband

3.       My family

4.       My friends

5.       Being on stage

6.       Shopping

7.       Ice cream

8.       My job

9.       Naps

10 Day YOU Challenge -- 10 Secrets

10 Secrets

Do I even have 10 secrets?  I’m pretty open here, but I’ll try to come up with 10 things you don’t already know about me.

1.        Although I had many careers in mind growing up, today I believe that if I wasn’t a teacher I’d love to be a script supervisor for a television show or even movies.  (This is perhaps a blog post in itself.  Coming soon…)

2.       While I outwardly appear somewhat reserved and quite conservative, I’m actually quite adventurous.  I love roller coasters and would love to go zip-lining, sky diving, and white water rafting.

3.       I’d love to have the time to be a scaled-down version of an extreme couponer.  I don’t believe I’d ever need to have 47 bottles of mustard in my cupboard, but I am a huge fan of saving money (especially since we’re about to throw down another $3000 for a second FET) and get very excited about getting good deals.  I’m a bargain hunter, alright.

4.       I hate cutting up watermelon.  It’s not the actual work, but I have watched my mother do it my whole life, and I just can’t do it “right.”  It looks so simple when she does it.  I don’t know what I do to it, but it never quite turns out the same.  Sure, I still do it because my family loves watermelon.  I think if I was better at it, I’d not mind it quite as much.

5.       If I had my own show on the Food Net.work (yeah, like that’s going to happen), it would be exclusively for desserts.  I love, Love, LOVE making dessert—even if it uses ingredients I’ve never used before, and even if I don’t particularly like something.  I think it’s because people enjoy eating dessert, possibly more than any other course.

6.       As much as I love pajamas, I can’t sit around in them all day unless I’m sick and “bedridden.”  If I’m going to get anything accomplished, I have to put on clothes.  I typically even put on clothes to clean house. 

7.       I have some OCD tendencies.  While I sometimes have a hard time staying motivated to do something, once I’ve started I must finish it.  I have a hard time stopping in the middle of writing a piece, for instance. 

8.       I have a slight addiction to email—when I’m able to (i.e., during breaks from school and especially the summer), I check it quite often.  I quickly weed out the “junk” and read all REAL messages (including blog comments) carefully, usually multiple times. 

9.       I tend to watch my feet while I’m walking.  I’m typically quite shy around new people (but once I’ve warmed up to you, watch out!), and I don’t know if this comes from that or just not wanting to trip over something, but that’s just how I roll.  My dad used to tell me that the floor wasn’t going to disappear out from under me, but I just never did break this habit.

10.   Most people find me amusing.  That sounds really conceited, but I’ve found it to be true.  I tend to be quick-witted and often sarcastic, but I can usually find the humor in just about anything (that has the slightest shred of humor in it, that is).  While I’m certainly not the life of the party and I’m a far cry from the class clown, I’m the one at the table full of people stifling their giggles at a conference because I popped off a zany one-liner.  I can’t help it.  It’s a family trait.

New Blog Challenge

Last September, in the middle of moving my MIL in with us and beginning our IVF cycle, I completed a 30 day blog challenge.  I enjoyed having the prompts each day that gave my readers a glimpse into the real Angie.  A few days ago, I read of a different (shorter) challenge here, and decided I'd try it on my blog, too.  I've decided to begin tomorrow, but I thought I'd show you the graphic that lists the 10 days of the challenge today in case any of you care to join me. 

I feel pretty...well, sort of

On the insistance of my darling husband, I got my first mani/pedi yesterday.  I've had them before (separately, never at the same time), but it's been about 7 years since my first [and only other] pedicure and *cough* 13 years since my last manicure [I've had two of those...both before the prom].  It's not that I don't enjoy them, because I do.  You see, I'm just cheap.  I usually don't polish my fingernails, and I just polish my toenails myself. 

I've never really been what you might call a girly-girl, but I'm not really a tomboy, either.  I don't know what I am.  Is there anything in between?  But it was kind of refreshing having my nails done by someone else.  I am now sporting a French manicure and pedicure. I wasn't sure I would really like it on my toes, but I love it! 

I hope you can do something that makes you feel special.  You most certainly are!

Close enough

Hallelujah!  My IVF nurse called yesterday to let me know that Monday's test was negative.  Woo-hoo!  I don't have to repeat it again (for now).  She said that we were okay to pursue another FET as soon as we are ready to, but I'm guessing AF isn't going to cooperate right away.  We're thinking September.  I was also able to ask all of my questions about the hydrosonogram. 

I should be able to have this test done locally, but it'll be up to AF whether or not I am able to get this done before my summer break is over.  The trouble with that?  My doctor has only performed the test once, so one of the other doctors in the practice will have to assist.  That's not a problem.  But I went to high school with one of the doctors who is "eligible" to assist.  Therein lies the problem.  Besides the fact that this means I'm old enough to be a doctor by now...I don't want him to know me that well.  But my insurance should cover it here.  *Sigh*  I hate tough decisions like this.

It's a rough life...

Oh, to be this relaxed!

I'm jealous.

The nightmare ends...almost

Well, as per my RE's request, I repeated my beta yesterday for *hopefully* the last time (this round).  Two weeks ago, it was 5.6, and I thought I was surely finished with this.  After all, we were already a month (exactly) post-d&c.  But, no, they weren't satisfied with it.  While it was dropping (albeit, not very rapidly), it was not yet negative.  Almost, but no cigar.  When they called me back to let me know the results, they asked me to repeat the test in a week or two.  I decided to wait to two weeks in an attempt to let the level bottom out.  Yes, I was hoping for a zero. 

So, I reluctantly went in yesterday shortly after lunch to have my blood drawn.  I wished and hoped I wouldn't get "stuck" with Suzy-slowpoke (pun intended), and I breathed a sigh of relief when she was not the phlebotomist who called me back.  However, they tricked me by handing me over to another one when we got to the row of lab seats.  So, instead of Suzy-slowpoke, I instead got three-stick-Theresa.  It wasn't so bad, though.  Either she's gotten better or I'm getting tougher.  Or maybe I just got lucky today. 

The results?  2.2.  Yes, friend, I do believe we are negative (please God).  But still not at zero.  I'm expecting the RE to call within the next couple of days to give me these results for themselves, and I'm looking forward to the call as I have a few questions for them.  I received the information in the mail yesterday for our next FET.  I have two pre-requisites to fulfill befor then--a TSH test, which I know  can get taken care of here at my doctor's office and a hydrosonogram.  That's the one I have questions about. 

For now, I guess I'm still waiting for the level to drop completely.  From what I've read, I won't ovulate until it does.  So, I guess AF and I are at a standoff.  I surrender.  Go ahead and wreak your havoc.  I'm not fond of "normal" but I'm certainly ready to move on.

Hugs and love,

Admiration

I was privileged to attend a reception for a former college professor of mine this afternoon.  He was an incredible source of inspiration to anyone he ever taught, I fell sure.  If only a few of my students think as highly of me, I guess I can consider myself a successful educator.

The Map

I read this quite some time ago and just loved it.  I thought I'd share it on this stormy Sunday.  Enjoy your last burst of weekend and have a fabulous week.

The Map

A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little
girl, Shelby.

She wanted to know what the United States looked like.

Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country.

Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today."
 

After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly
fitted together.

The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together."

Rainy Saturday and stupid dreams

It's a rainy, rainy day.  Cloudy and gloomy...the perfect kind of day to snuggle up on the couch with a book and a blanket and hope you don't fall asleep.  Is that what I'm doing?  No.  Not yet, anyway.  So far, I've managed to sleep in (for the first time all summer), go to the grocery, and put the groceries away.  And now I'm blogging.

I couldn't believe it when I saw the clock read 9:28 when I rolled out of bed this morning.  While it may appear that I was being ultra lazy, that wasn't entirely the case.  It was kind of a rough night.  I tend to have rather detailed, incredibly dumb dreams, and last night was no exception.  Seriously, when I was little and would tell my parents about my dreams, they'd swear I was making them up.  They'd always tell me that dreams were quite short and no one could possibly remember all of the details  was telling them from a 2 minute dream.  I usually responded by telling them that if I were going to go to the trouble of making up a story, I'd at least not make it so dumb.  I can remember 2 distinctly dumb dreams from last night, but only the details of one at the moment.  All I know is, I woke up with my heart racing twice during the night, and it took a good half hour to calm down and go back to sleep each time.  So my snooze-fest was justified.

Then, I don't know if I had some kind of dream that I don't recall, but I woke up mad.  I've been in a bad mood ever since.  I'm trying not to transfer it to those around me, but everything seems to annoy me.  I've got to snap out of this.  There is no reason for it.

Hope you're having a sun-shiny day!

Hugs and love,

Limited Access

As I posted here, I live in smalltown, USA.  I love the “country life,” but it definitely has its disadvantages—especially where infertility is concerned.  For starters, the fast moving pace of the gossip train has forced most of us to be closet infertiles.  Sure, some of us know about each other, but for the most part we discovered one another’s secret by accident. 
Not only do we live in a state that does not mandate IF insurance coverage, but in order to visit an RE, we had to choose between traveling to the northern part of the state to one of the largest cities (with a time zone change and about a 2 to 3 hour drive one way) or cross the state line and head to Nash.ville, which is about an hour and a half away and in the same time zone (the time zone factor is only really important when considering early morning appointments).  Either way, we were looking at traveling 175 miles or more each round trip.  

Having a family is not supposed to be this complicated.  My high school health teacher had us all scared to even touch each other for fear of an unwanted teenage pregnancy being the result.  (Okay, she didn’t scare us all, but I always was the naïve one.  Joke’s on me, huh?)  I grew up in the 80’s—when children innocently taunted one another on the playground at the prospect of new “romance” with :

(Girl) and (Boy) sitting in a tree. 
K-I-S-S-I-N-G. 
First comes love
Next comes marriage.
Here comes (boy) with a baby carriage.

Nowhere in the chant does it mention shots, or tears, or emotional distraught over losses.  Would my husband and I have pursued treatment sooner had we been fortunate enough to have insurance coverage?  Maybe.  I don’t know if that would have squashed my fears or bout with denial, but it certainly would have helped ease my anxieties about spending that much money on something that was not certain to produce the desired results. 

How about if we could receive treatment closer to home?  While I can’t definitively answer that question as I wasn’t faced with the situation, I can certainly guess that I might not have been so hesitant to seek help earlier had our choices not been so far away.  But at the same time, I have to keep in mind that while all of these factors might have led me to my ultimate decisions sooner, they likely would not have changed the outcome.  So, for that, I have no regrets.  We would still have most likely experienced losses.  We’d still be facing the same diagnoses.  The only difference is we might have known it sooner and have moved past it by now. 

 Sure, I’d love to be on the other side of statistics, and I’d certainly like to have had my trials covered by insurance (even just partially would have helped) to ease some of the financial burden.  It would have been nice to only have to drive as far as my family doctor, the grocery store, or the beauty salon to pursue fertility treatments.  But as hard as those things have been, I’m still thankful for the opportunity to try everything I possibly can to become a mother.  All of these stumbling blocks will just make it that much more special to me.

Hugs and love,

"You look awfully happy..."

That's what I was told today.  I was at a meeting of approximately 45-ahem-older ladies from my tiny county.  At the lunch break, one of them told me, "You look awfully happy.  Do you have any news to share?"  I think she was thinking maybe I needed to tell her I was expecting.  I just laughed it off and said, "No, no news from me.  Sorry."  What I wanted to say was Yeah, I've had news to share.  Twice.  I just didn't make it far enough to tell it.   But I knew she meant well, and I wouldn't have hurt her feelings for the world. 

Then, I felt guilty.  Guilty that I gave the impression of being a happy, happy soul.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not exactly unhappy with my life, but I don't want the people who knew about our situation to think I have forgotten or taken lightly what I have lost.  I know that life must go on, and good things are waiting for me around the corner.  I just don't quite feel right acting like everything is hunky-dory when my body hasn't gotten rid of all the evidence yet.  Does that make sense?  Probably not. 

I have to just keep in my head that while the stumbling blocks along my journey have made me who I am, but they are not the only things that define my character.  As the guest speaker at our meeting today said, there are a lot of things about my life over which I have no control.  The only thing I can manage is my attitude.  So, I'll take that lady's comment as a compliment.  Maybe I'm giving off a good attitude toward my tribulations. 

*Sigh*  It's getting too deep in here.  I'm gonna go take a short nap before it's time to fix dinner. 

Hugs and love,

My Shadow

I think Jax is loving having me home all day (most of the time).  He spends a good part of the day napping under my feet or even next to me on the couch (or even in my lap, at times).  If I go to a different room, he must follow me.  Even if I tell him I'll be right back, he goes with me.  I guess he doesn't want to miss anything.

Yesterday, as I was finishing up some cleaning, I'd go from room to room quite frequently.  I guess he got too tired of roaming with me, so he curled up on the living room couch and waited patiently for me to finish.  This is how I found him.

Doesn't he look sweet?  Now, if I could just get him to stop barking ferociously at strangers...

Hugs and love,

Getting things done

It's been a busy few days around here.  I've been trying to get my house in order for my homemakers meeting tonight, and my progress has been slowed by several things.  It's finally coming together, though, and I think all I have left is regular sweeping, dusting, and vacuuming until it's time to cut up veggies and fruit later.  I'll hit that in just a minute. 

Right now I'm focused on not eating the blueberry cream cheese pound cake that's cooling in the kitchen.  It smells wonderful.  I hope it tastes good enough to eat, because if we have leftovers I'll be too tempted, I think.

Jax is snuggled up next to me...his favorite spot this summer, it seems.  I won't lie, I like having him there, too.  It's a stay-in-your-jammies-and-take-a-nap kind of day.  The clouds are threatening rain, and are therefore blocking out the sun, which is making us both want to crawl back into bed.  It's about time I made it up, anyway.  That'll keep me out of it.  I don't know about Jax, though...he has no regard for neat corners and tucked in sheets.

Hope your Tuesday is terrific.

Hugs and love,

Can't get motivated

I went to bed last night fighting a headache.  Apparently it won, because it was still here (and just as bad) when I woke up this morning.  I took some pain reliever and sat around on the couch for a while, hoping it would go away and I'd find the motivation I needed to finish cleaning my house.  It's nearly noon, though, and I haven't found it yet.  I have managed to complete one load of laundry, and there is one in both the washer and dryer as I type.  I guess that should count for something. 

J said he'd help me shampoo the carpet in the living room tonight when he gets home from work.  We've never done it before, and I'm a little nervous about it.  But, it is necessary.  There are a few stains that have surfaced since we brought Jax home.  They're not bad, but at the right angle, they are very noticeable.  I just hope I've finished everything else I wanted to accomplish before then.  It's hard to want to clean when you just feel like laying with the covers over your head to block out all light and sound.  (whine, whine, whine) 

There is a group of 5-15 (cause you never know) ladies coming to your house in approximately 30 hours, and I'm sitting here blogging.  Guess I'd better go look a little harder for my get-up-and-go.  Come out, come out, wherever you are! 

Hugs and love,

Gone as swiftly as it came

The bleeding, that is.  I'm now 100% convinced that what I've been experiencing this week was definitely not AF.  I had 3 days of heavy bleeding with cramps, and then today it was just like someone turned off the faucet.  (Sorry for that yucky analogy, but I don't know a better way to explain it.)  It wasn't like AF, which tapers off over time.  It was literally yesterday I was bleeding and today there has been nothing.  Not a drop.  So, I'm guessing it was just my body finally letting go of that leftover junk.  Maybe now my next blood test will be negative.  I hope so.  I'm tired of being poked (and paying $20 for it). 

My grandmother's surgery went well.  They had to put her to sleep instead of doing a spinal because they couldn't get her blood thick enough (she is on coumadin, and so they had to give her plasma to try and thicken up her blood before surgery).  The anesthesiologist was concerned by this, given her age and various medical conditions, and told us that if this was the case she'd probably end up in ICU for a day or two following surgery to monitor vital signs and such.  But she was brought back to he room, and did just great.  She'll be going to a different floor of the hospital in a few days for some rehab, but they suspect she'll be fine. 

Hope you've had a restful weekend and you have a wonderful week.

Hugs and love,

The saga continues...

There have been tragic happenings going on in the blogosphere, and I feel a tad bit guilty complaining about my own battles, but I have no place else to vent besides my blog.  Jennifer and Lis, my heart continues to mourn for you.  While I can't pretend to know what you are going through, I can pray that God's comforting spirit will guide you through this.  And Kitty, I will greatly miss you, but I completely understand and support your decision.  If you happen to be reading this, I just want to thank you for the support you have given me since we "met" on Web.MD's message board.  Can't wait to read about the next journey you decide to follow.

If you read this post from Tuesday, you may recall that the latest beta results were 5.6.  Almost negative.  I have walked around the house with both phones (the house phone and my cell phone) just in case the RE's office called to let me know that I did/did not need to repeat the test or if there were any other tests I needed to repeat. (Cause, ya know, I don't wanna take any more shots than I have to.)  But no deal.  They didn't call Wednesday, I was out of the house most of Thursday but had my cell phone with me--they didn't call, and I didn't have a missed call or message when I got home, either.  I really thought they'd have called already, anyway, and so I settled into thinking that all was well.  Yesterday, I had them with me all stinking day...right up until around 3:30.  I sat down a the kitchen table to balance the checkbook and didn't take my cell phone with me.  I didn't realize it, though, until I heard it ringing.  I raced to get it as soon as I heard it, but by the time it's audible from 3 rooms away, it's apparently almost ready to go to voicemail.

I picked it up and touched the screen just as it was switching over, I guess, because there was no connection made. Fiddlesticks.  So I had to wait for them to leave the message before I could listen.  They are glad the levels are going down...but they still aren't negative.  So I have to repeat the test.  Again.  In a week (or two, whichever is convenient for me).  GRRrrrrr!  I'm so frustrated.  I'm tired of being poked and prodded and I swear, if that one lady calls me back to take my blood I'm going to pretend it's not my name until somebody else calls it.  (She's had to dig the last two times, and she sticks me so slowly that it just hurts about 10 times worse than if she'd just jab it in.)  I actually cried a little when I got off the phone.  Between blood draws, this new round of bleeding I'm muddling through, and trying to prepare my house for the homemakers' meeting next week, I'm losing my mind! 

Okay, I feel better now.  Thanks for letting me vent (on my own blog). It's early, but we've got to head out.  My grandmother fell yesterday and broke her hip.  She's going into surgery soon and I've got to get to the hospital.  Hope you have an awesome Saturday!

Hugs and love,

Sick days and TMI

WARNING: While this post does not go into graphic details, it does mention things that some regular readers of my blog (ahem, like my little bro) may not wish to know.  You may wish to stop reading now.

Yesterday, I posted that I had started spotting and cramping on Wednesday.  Well, yesterday was pretty much just like a typical CD1, and today is proving to be not much different (although, I suppose it is not possible to have two CD1 in a row, huh?).  The point is, there is still bleeding...lots of it.  Wish I knew what it was.  I'm guessing this is the "End" of things rather than the actual beginning of a new cycle.  Based on all of the facts that I have, that's what I'm going with for the time being, anyway.

Just judging by the amount of time that has passed since my d & c, sure it could be dear old AF.  But I know too much.  I have too much information to believe that's what this is.  Sure, if my hcg level had dropped two weeks ago, I'd believe it still.  However, since it didn't (and was still slightly above 5 on Monday), I highly doubt this is actually AF.  It must be her evil twin.

Last night on our walk, J and I resigned ourselves to the fact that we're likely looking at a fall treatment cycle.  Sure, we were initially hoping for a summer transfer as there is less stress, fewer scheduled responsiblities for me, and an overall greater chance of secrecy.  But it looks like things are not going to cooperate and fall into place for that to happen.  So, we're thinking maybe September.  The school year won't be brand new by then, so it won't be a big deal to miss a few days (last FET, I missed a total of 5). 

I was hoping I'd be able to just miss some half-days, but my planning time will not allow for it.  I hope our principal (who was new last year) doesn't just think I'm a slacker.  We get 10 sick days and 3 personal days each year.  If we do not use them, they roll over (and the personal days become sick days, so we never have more than 3 to use at a time).  Last year was my ninth full year of teaching (I started in the middle of a year).  At the beginning of last school year, I had 99 sick days and 3 personal days.  I think that means I'd used about 20 days or so in my entire career...until I started my IVF cycle.

I'm a little worried, though.  Last year, my students missed me when I was gone (well, some of them did), but they eventually stopped asking questions about why I wasn't there.  I was able to give them pretty vague answers (I had to go to the doctor...I had to have a little procedure done, but I'm okay...etc.), and I had no previous personal relationships with any of them so even their parents didn't pry (at least not with me...they may have asked in the office or something).  This coming year, I know a few of the students.  I go to church with some of them, and I'm afraid they'll mention when I'm missing school. 

*Sigh.*  I guess there's no point in worrying about the things I can't control.  I'll just have to take it all in stride and go with the flow.  Speaking of flow, I'd better go check on things.  I've got too much to do today to worry about cleaning up extra messes.

Hugs and love,

What's that?

Late yesterday morning, I started getting all crampy.  Like pre-AF crampy.  I kind of brushed it off.  My body never does what it's supposed to when it's supposed to, so leave it to me to get crampy on a random day.  But then I went to take a shower around 1:00 and I noticed I was spotting just the slightest bit.  I don't quite know what to make of it.  I didn't think AF was supposed to be here yet.  From everything I've read, I should be ovulating soon since my hcg level is finally nearing zero.  So, what gives? 

I've been crunching numbers and comparing time from my first m/c to AF and now with this one.  With December's, my hcg fell to 1.7 and AF came three and a half weeks later.  On Monday of this week, I was at 5.6, and now I'm all crampy and spotting.  If it picks up, do I count it as AF, or just "THE END" of things?  So sorry to ramble on and on about this constantly, but not too many of my IRL friends want to hear about the goings on of my uterus.  (If you ARE an IRL friend, I guess you're getting it anyway, huh?)

Just for the record, I'm terrified of Loven.ox, which I know is in my future.  It's not the actual shots.  I'll endure whatever I have to.  I'm just afraid I won't be able to administer them.  I used Foll.istim like a pro, but it came in a pen.  When it came to Gan.irelix and Ov.idrel, I totally whimped out and J had to come to my rescue.  While I'm eternally grateful that he was willing to help me out, I hate being dependent on other people.  I don't know what the problem was.  I guess it was because it looked like a shot and was an actual syringe.  Wuss. 

This summer is totally not going how it was supposed to.  First I was supposed to be nearing the end of my first pregnancy.  Then when that didn't work out so well, I was suposed to be basking in the glory of the second trimester of my second.  Now, here I am pleading with my body to just get rid of all the stupid hcg it's harboring so I can finally move on.  If this isn't really AF, it's looking like a summer attempt is out of the question.  Figures. 

Sorry to be so whiny.  Hugs and love to you all.

Hurry up and wait

That's the kind of summer I seem to be having.  While it began with six days spoken for in meetings for school--two at the end of June and the other four the week before school starts--I seem to be filling the rest of my time off with lots of stuff to do and think about.  I'm still not sure how long we'll have to wait before we are allowed to pursue FET #2, but it's not looking good for the reduced-stress days of summer.  *sigh*

I'm still waiting for the RE's office to call and either tell me that no, I don't have to take any more blood tests to watch my level drop or yes, I do.  It took a whole month after the d & c for it to drop to 5.  Geesh.  My body just can't do anything right.  Can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant, then won't let go of the hormone.  I think it's time for a trade-in.  But I don't know who'd want my current model.  I guess I'm stuck with it.

On a different note, have I mentioned that my sweet little dog has become quite anti-social?  He has his little group of people that he loves and wants to be around.  If you are not in it, oh-my-goodness!  He will bark and snap at you if you are within sight.  He's super protective.  We don't know what to do about it.  J thought about taking him to obedience school, but the class that just started ran right through our vacation, so he didn't sign up.  Maybe the next go around...

Meanwhile, I wait.  Not sure really what I'm waiting for.  AF?  A call from the RE's office?  My paperwork for the next cycle to arrive?  To start stabbing myself with a needle again?  (Anybody know if Lov.enox comes in a pen?)  Gosh.  I've got too much time to think these days.  I think I'll go take a nap, then start cleaning my house.  Let's turn all this nervous energy into something good.

Hugs and love,

The latest results...

...are 5.6.  I had one final (please, God) HCG level drawn yesterday, and the result was 5.6.  My OB/Gyn's office said that they consider it negative.  I just hope my RE's office does, too.  Last time, the let me go when it was 3, so maybe.  Just maybe.

It was odd, waiting at the lab for the blood draw yesterday.  My hands were getting all sweaty as I sat there, waiting for them to call my name.  Perhaps it was because it was 90 degrees outside.  Maybe it was because I was hungry and having a blood sugar low.  Or I guess it could have been a bit of anxiety since the last two times I'd been there, they'd had to dig around in my vein searching for blood.  Yep, that just might have been it.  Anywho, I signed in and waited about 15 minutes, when one of my least favorite phlebotomists came out, picked up a paper and opened her mouth to call her patient. I pleaded silently, Please, don't say my name.  PLEASE, don't say my name!  Guess what?  She said my name.  But I survived.

So now, I wait again.  My RE's office is pretty good about calling with results within a day, so maybe they'll call me tomorrow to let me know if I need to repeat the test (please, no!) or if they'll consider this a negative level. 

Hugs and love,

I think I could handle this...

A friend emailed this to me last week, and I thought it was too funny not to share.  Enjoy!

Dr. Chang's sage advice


Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
       
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is shape! 


Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.  
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.. 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Say what?

Okay, so I realize I'm a couple of days late with this, but it's been a busy weekend because of the yard sale.  As you may have known, Friday was "National Donut Day."  Sadly, I was unable to participate in observance of this yummy holiday, but the local television station posted this on FB to help spread the word:

"It's National Free Donut Day! You get one free donut from @Dun.kin.Do.nuts when you purchase a beverage while supplies last!"

Wait a minute...while supplies last?  It's a Donut shop.  Shouldn't they always have donuts?  (Yes, I know, I know...they likely have a certain number of "free" donuts for the day, but it's still kind of funny, don't you think?)

Hope your weekend was stellar and you have a fabulous week ahead.

Hugs and love,

Lessons learned...

...at a yard sale:

1.) My alarm clock can go off at 4:15 A.m. On a Saturday.

2.) People will buy just about anything.  I actually saw someone walking down the street with a toilet seat.  Really?  Who buys a toilet seat at a yard sale?

3.) Junk sells better than clothes.

4.) Unless a supermodel walks up to your sale, husbands should not make any attempt at comparing their wives "build" to any other woman's.  Ever.  (In his defense, though, he tried to smooth it over by saying that he meant they were short like me.)
5.) You can't hide from 96 degrees, even in the shade.

In case you were wondering...

In response to Tanya's comment on this post, I sort of changed my comment box accidentally.  After I noticed I could apparently comment on the one type, I decided to check things out on my own blog to see what type of setting I might have checked that might need changing.  So, I clicked on the Settings tab on my dashboard, then the comments section.  

The second bold statement/question looks like this:

My "original" setting was "Anyone," but seeing as that hasn't been working out so well, I changed it to registered users, thinking that might help fix the problem.  When  tested it on my blog, I noticed that the box had changed, but the only options for posting were to use the goo.gle account or OpenID.  There was no "anonymous" box.  This really didn't surprise me, but at the same time, I knew it wasn't exactly what my blogger buddies had.  So, I went back in and checked the "Anyone" button.  Upon a recheck, I noticed that my comment box now looked like I wanted it to, and people should be able to comment on my blog. 

[Incidentally, I'd love to know if you've tried since yesterday and were unable to so I can try something else.]

Hope this helps!  I'm not asking anyone to change anything just for me, but my friend asked and this is the easiest way I know of to help her out!

The Little Commentor Who Couldn't...

Okay, I'm on day 2 of summer break and Blogger's going to have to shape it up or everyone's going to think I'm a no-good piece of scum for not offering proper support when I've been the recipient so many times.  After spending the better part of yesterday attempting to comment on blogs (even my own) with little success, I have discovered 3 things about this situation:

1.)  I can't even post anonymously, for some reason.  It just keeps asking for me to log in.  After about the fifth time, I usually give up and just say a little prayer for the person who wrote the blog entry.

2.)  I CAN apparently comment if your comment form looks like this:

(Note: There are more choices than just "Goo.gle account" for identity, but this was all my screen capture would scroll for.)

3.)  I can NOT comment if your comment box looks like this:

(Mine was like this until I changed it sometime yesterday afternoon.)  This is when it just keeps asking me to log in after I've selected my go.ogle account as my profile.

Now, I don't know what was better.  Having this problem with commenting and not knowing what it was or what to do about it or knowing somewhat what the problem is...and not knowing what to do about it.  Hmph. 

If I haven't been commenting on your blog, it's likely because your comment form looks like picture 2 and I promise I've been trying.  I still love you.

Hugs and love,

It's the first day of summer break...

...and Jax is already tired!

He likes to lay on the laminate because it's cooler.

Never too tired to cheese it up for the camera!

To answer a question from a recent post, my blood tests were a week apart.  I was at 31 on 5/20 at the RE's office, and a week later on 5/27 the level had only dropped to 13.1.  I'm still waiting to hear from them about what to do next. 

Hugs and love,