Don't know what to feel

Numb.  I guess that's the best way to describe how I'm feeling.  It's almost as if I'm frozen and my life continues to go on around me.  I'll go on for a while, acting perfectly normal, and then all of a sudden burst into tears with no warning.  I don't even know what triggers it sometimes. 

I think this would be easier to take if I felt bad.  I feel perfectly fine.  No cramps, no spotting.  Nothing.  Just sadness and grief I never could have imagined, even being in a very similar situation last December.  I just keep thinking about what I would be feeling right now if my appointment had been a few hours earlier.  I'd still not know anything was wrong.  I'd be finalizing plans for our big reveal next weekend and going about...business as usual.  Instead, I am mourning and grieving and worrying about my husband, who rarely shows emotion.  He's worried about me, but I want him to take some time for himself, too.  It's not all about me. 

I got up this morning, showered and dressed, and went to Sunday School.  Our lesson today was from the eight and ninth chapters of Matthew, about some of the miracles of Jesus after the Sermon on the Mount.  It was quite uplifting being reminded about miracles.  Of course, the one that caused my mascara to run (and it was waterproof and everything) was the one where He raised a woman from the dead. 

Back in December when we had our chemical pregnancy, I remember telling the few who knew that I almost wished our IVF cycle hadn't worked.  I felt it would have been easier to accept a BFN than for  positive test to turn negative.  Now, I KNOW it would have been easier this time.  We saw a heartbeat 2 weeks in a row, and then nothing.  What might have been...

And what is it about tragedy that brings people together?  I'd like to welcome my 12 new "followers" from the weekend.  This place is usually full of wisecracks, funny stories, and pictures of my puppy.  I hope to one day return to that, but please be patient with me.  I just don't feel very funny these days.  I'll try to be by to visit you soon, myself.  Also, if you sent friends my way to lend support and went unrecognized in my last post, I want you to know how much you mean to me, too.  It was not my intention to leave anyone out, I just wasn't aware.  Several people posted that they were here via _____'s blog, and that's all I was going by.  I still love you.  :-)

Tomorrow will be a new challenge.  Back to work I go.  At least I had a weekend to be to myself (and J).  There will be just a couple of people left to tell, probably plenty of tears, and a room full of fifth graders who all expect my undivided attention.  I suppose I'll have to tell my boss what's going on, too.  I hate to cry in front of my boss.  I also have to call the doctor's office to get things scheduled.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to say when I call.  I expect there'll be tears then, too.  Maybe I just won't wear eye makeup tomorrow.  I'm thinking it's going to be a comfortable kind of day.

Love you all.  Thanks so much for sharing the love.  I truly feel blessed to be acquainted with you.

Hugs and love,