Progress

As I've mentioned before, I live in a small town.  A small town full of country churches.  And the one I attend happens to be full of expectant mothers.  We have 5 to be exact--with due dates ranging from February to August.  While I'm trying my best to be happy for them all, I have to grit my teeth and walk away every time one of them starts talking about their bump.  I wish them no harm; but I also wish I didn't have to hear them.  Four of them have no idea what IF is all about.  The other one--incidentally, the one due in February--finally got her miracle.

I played for her wedding back in April '98.  Not too long after, they found out they were expecting and were elated.  They soon miscarried and had had no success after.  They pretty much gave up on children of their own and have all but adopted their niece and nephew.  Literally.  Their mother sees them every other weekend and for a time each summer, but they live with their aunt and uncle the majority of the time.  Late last summer, they were surprised to learn they were expecting.   For them, I was happy.  But I won't pretend that even that stung a little.

Then we lost our angel in December.  I dreaded that shower invitation ever since.  Last Sunday at church, it was hand delivered by the jubilant aunt of the mother-to-be.  I politely said thank you and stuck it in my Bible.  I didn't open it.  In fact, it is still there.  But today, my mom and I went shopping for a bit after taking my grandmother to the doctor.  I bought a shower gift without crying.  I didn't feel so bitter, I didn't hyperventilate, and I even found myself just the tiniest bit hopeful as I perused the baby aisles.  Will I attend the shower?  That one is still up in the air.  Other than my parents and brother, only two other people at church know what happened to us (and that was sort of an accident).  I'm not sure if I'm ready to hear all those, "You'll be next!" comments.  I'd like for her to know that I'm happy for her, but I may just be sending my gift by my mother. 

But for today, I bought a gift for a baby shower just like a normal person.  And that, my friends, is progress.

Hugs and love,