The Third Time is NOT the Charm or Why I Almost Didn't Blog Today

Way back in January, I set a personal goal (not a resolution, mind you) to blog every single day of 2011.  I decided that it was going to be the best year ever.  And for quite some time, I believed that.

Then today happened.  I nearly broke my blogging streak.  I really don't know how to put this gently, so be forewarned.  Today, our baby's heart stopped beating.

Today was a bright, sun-shiny day.  A beautiful reminder that God is in control and also a welcome relief from the storms and floods of the past couple of weeks.  It was also the day of our 3rd ultrasound--the last one until I "graduated" to becoming a normal patient.  I arrived about 10 minutes early, signed in at the desk and took a seat.  I texted J to let him know that I was there and that I'd have them call him again when it was time to have a look.  After about 15-20 minutes of picture-taking, the tech said she had to make a phonecall.  (This is when I had a hunch that something was up.)  Apparently, no one answered the phone, so she left the room saying she'd be right back.  She returned a few moments later with the tech from my first u/s.  She said she needed a couple more pictures and then we'd be finished.  When she was done, she told me I could clean up, get dressed, and she'd send the pictures up for my doctor's appointment.  I didn't get to see the screen, didn't get any printouts, didn't even get a chance to call for J.  I knew this was not going to end well.

I texted J from the bathroom while I was getting dressed, and he met me at the doctor's office.  I barely dropped my appointment slip off, and they told me I could come on back.  Yep, I was definitely getting bad news.  Immediately, Dr. G came in and said that they couldn't find a heartbeat.  It's all over.  The troubling part is, the measurements were right on track in respect to the previous two u/s.  So it had to have happened today.  I am to call on Monday to schedule a D & C.  I keep thinking about what I could have done that caused it to happen.  J tells me I can't think like that, but I can't help it.  Was I fussing at that kid too much?  Did I get too angry?  Did I not eat right?  Was it the half a Co.ke I drank?  What?  What?  What did I do wrong?

We are completely devastated.  I know it could have been worse, and I've been trying to be thankful that we didn't find out "this way" or "that way."  But I hate that we had to find it out at all.  I am, however, glad that it didn't happen tomorrow and us go around thinking everything was great for the next 3 or 4 weeks until our next appointment.  (If there is a bright side, I guess that's it.  We hadn't made it "public" knowledge yet, so not too many people to untell.) 

So that's why, at 9:30 when J asked if I was ready for bed, I said, "Yes," knowing full well that I had not yet blogged today.  He asked me if I did, and I said I hadn't.  Then he asked me if I really wanted this to be the day that I broke my streak because he knew it was important to me.  I didn't want him to think that I didn't care.  I didn't want him to think that I would rather be pouring my soul out to people I've never met (for the most part...I know I have a couple of IRL friends who read) instead of being with him and attempting to comfort each other.  But he said that he didn't think that at all and didn't mind a bit.  He's so wonderful.  Everyone should be so lucky.

If you pray, please whisper our names.  I'm depending on God to get us through this.  Because no one else can.

Hugs and love,