Searching for Excitement...

With my summer break drawing to a close this week, I am avidly searching for that excitement that comes with each new school year.  Just like I did when I was a kid, I still get all excited about shopping for supplies, looking over the new roster, and encounter sleepless nights in anticipation of the first day.  Usually.  This year, though, I just can't seem to find that excitement.  I don't exactly dread it, but I wouldn't exactly say I'm looking forward to it, either.

We're trying something different this year, which always makes me a little nervous.  If it works correctly, it should alleviate some of the stress from years past.  I am looking forward to that.  We'll see, though.  I really and truly think that part of my hesitation to go back to work stems from the H*ll that was the last school year.  It was a difficult year all the way around--not only did I have a challenging class (as a whole--there were some very good students and very sweet children in there, too), but I had lots of personal struggles to endure.  I'm starting to have hope again, and I guess I'm just afraid that all of the memories will undo the progress.  *Sigh*

On a different note, I think I've made a decision about our next FET.  I'm going to keep things as "under my hat" as possible.  Of course, I will likely be blogging about things as they come up.  I don't want to look back in a few years and be sorry that I didn't journal the experience, and I have to capture the moments as they happen because I will NEVER remember them exactly the way they were otherwise.  But I think it wise to limit the number of people I let in on our little secret.  So, dear IRL friends who read this blog, it will be completely up to you as to whether or not your follow along on our journey.  I'll completely understand if you don't trust yourself to read about it and then not say anything (if you see us often), but you are welcome to keep reading.  (You've got a good 6 weeks to decide, by my estimation). 

I'm not going to tell any of my buddies at school, either.  The ones that are closest to me will likely figure it out, since I rarely miss school otherwise.  If they ask, I'll let them know they can keep up here.  But I won't be discussing it at school--not with them, not with the secretary, or the counselor, or the incredibly nosy teacher across the hall.  It's not that I don't love them or trust them, but I don't want to put them in an awkward situation again.  I know others asked them questions about me last time and they didn't really know if they were "supposed" to answer or not.  I realize this was incredibly selfish of me, and I don't want to do that to them again.  I'm not trying to keep them out of the loop, just out of the fire.  Most of them know about my blog, anyway, and I'll just make sure the one I don't care to tell have the address before we get started.  I think my pat answer if someone asks when we'll try again will be, "Sometime this fall." 

I thought about not blogging about it, either, but I'm going to need support from SOMEWHERE.  I hate to vent to J all the time.  And this way, if you don't want to respond, you don't have to.  But I'll know that I got my feelings out there and can reflect on them any time I need to.  I'd even keep this from the parents if I could, but I'm not sure that's possible given that one lives with us, my mom has driven me to several of my appointments in previous treatment cycles (because J doesn't trust me to drive myself), and my dad constantly asks how things are going.  I'm a horrible liar (not altogether a bad trait), so I guess we'll see.  After all we've been through, it would sure be nice to get to suprise SOMEONE with good news for a change. 

I'm going school shopping with mom tomorrow.  Maybe that will help me get out of this slump I seem to be in.  It's going to be a good year.  With lots to celebrate.  I have to believe that--otherwise, what's the use in even trying?    Now I just have to decide if I want to splurge on a new outfit for the first day of school or another mani/pedi.  Decisions, decisions. 

Hugs and love,