I think I HAD survivor's guilt...

For some reason, I just hadn't been able to wrap my brain around this pregnancy thing.  You know..that was something that happened to other people.  Just like IVF was something other people did.  Until last month.  Then it was my turn.  I actually felt a little bit guilty that things worked so well for us.  I've met so many wonderfully deserving people through the wonderful world of the internet, yet many of you have suffered miscarriages and other such dream-squashing realities.  Why was I so lucky?

Then came today.  From the time I got dressed this morning, I just didn't feel quite right.  I couldn't put my finger on it, and I just chalked it up to hormones.  Then around lunch time, I felt just a tad bit crampy.  That was okay.  I'd read in a million different places that cramping was normal.  Nothing to worry about.  Just before I picked my kids up from art class at 12:05, I went to use the restroom and discovered that I was spotting.  Nothing major, just some brownish discharge when I wiped and just a teeny little spot on my undies.  Uh-oh.  Now, while I'd read that spotting is also normal, it's never a good thing when you have cramping and spotting at the same time.  I began to fear the worst.  And of  course, my students were of no assistance.  They were wilder than ever.  I was supposed to go in for my 3rd beta this afternoon anyway.  I emailed J and he actually asked my local OB/GYN (he works across the hall from him) about it and he said that we shouldn't worry until after today's numbers came back. 

So, after I had the test done, J and I went up to his office to wait for the results.  He tried to be optimistic the entire time we waited, but I just knew it wasn't going to be good news.  Still yet, nothing could prepare me for it.  The results came back at 140.  I was at 153 on Monday.  It's over.  So now, I wait.

I thank each of you for your well-wishes throughout this process.  I'm not sorry I did it.  And as soon as we save up some money, we'll try an FET.  But for now, we mourn.  We will mourn the child we will never get to meet, yet already loved.  It just breaks my heart.  J was SO excited.  I hope he takes some time to grieve for himself.  He's going to be such a terrific dad.  Someday.

This sucks.  (And I hate that word.  I don't let my students use it.  But it does.)

Hugs and love