Emotions

Webster defines emotion as “a conscious mental reaction subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.” I did a search a few days ago to find out just how many human emotions exist. The results were mixed (thank you, Dr. Goo.gle). Some say 6, some say. Even one site I found gave 48 different emotions. I tend to go more with the 6 or 7.

They further break these main emotions into subcategories: secondary and even tertiary to the primary emotions themselves. Most “experts” seem to agree that the basic, primary emotions are: fear, joy, love, sadness, surprise, and anger. (Note: The site I found that listed 7 basic emotions separated sadness and grief. I completely agree.)

I once had a history teacher tell me (in a class) that it was not uncommon for a soldier at war to experience all forms of human emotion at once. Over the past week and a half, I’ve found the same to be true for those suffering from Infertility—especially those experiencing a miscarriage.

Because this is a part of my life that I will never forget, yet am pained to remember, I thought perhaps this—my blog—was the perfect place to sort out those emotions.

1. Fear -- to be afraid or apprehensive
Sub-categories: anxiety, apprehension, distress, dread, tenseness, uneasiness, worry, alarm, fright, panic, shock, terror

Perhaps I will always live with the fear of miscarriage happening again. On December 1, I was certainly stricken with panic, worry, shock, and uneasiness when I discovered the beginning of the end.

2. Joy -- the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires
Sub-categories: amusement, bliss, elation, delight, happiness, jubilation, excitement, thrill, exhilaration

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I have experienced joy. From the moment that I thought I saw that faint, faint second line on Thanksgiving morning until the moment I saw the slightest bit of spotting on December 1, I was as happy as I’ve ever been in my whole life. I had everything I’d ever wanted and had waited for for so long.

3. Love -- strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
Sub-categories: fondness, attraction, adoration, sentimentality, caring

How do you love someone you’ve never even met yet? It’s possible. And I’d never felt so close to J, either. You could see the love in his eyes, too. At least, I could. Others might not have noticed the difference, but it was there.

4. Sadness – affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness; causing or associated with grief or unhappiness
Sub-categories: depression, unhappiness, misery, melancholy, gloom, despair

Here’s where some of the experts and I disagree. Some separate sadness and grief. I’ve experienced both in my lifetime, but I have a newfound relationship with grief I never wanted. I completely agree that the two are related, yet different. I was sad when my favorite television show was cancelled, when they stopped making Hawa.iian Punch sugar-free lemonade mix, and when my best friend moved to Louis.ville, then Nash.ville, then Wis.consin. But I grieved at the sudden loss of my aunt (in 2001), my great-grandmother just 10 days later, my grandmother (in 2003), and our baby angel last week. (I’ve lost other people that I knew, but I wasn’t necessarily close enough to them to actually grieve those losses. Rather, they only made me sad.)

5. Surprise – an attack made without warning; a taking unaware
Sub-categories: astonishment, amazement

Even though I was hopeful that our IVF cycle would be successful, and I tried my very best to remain optimistic, I was still in for the shock of my life when I actually saw that second line on the test. So, yes, I experienced surprise.

6. Anger – a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism
Sub-categories: fury, wrath, bitterness, loathing, resentment, hate, loathing, agitation, aggravation, disgust

I tried my best to keep this one at bay. I tried not to be angry, but it was hard. And there seem to be babies and pregnant bellies everywhere. Even on television—it seems like all of my favorite shows have a character that is dealing with IF. And the writers keep getting it all wrong, just for the record. I do think I’m past this stage, though. I still have some very strong feelings at times, but I don’t feel so angry anymore.

J thinks that perhaps it is time for me to take a break from the blog. I resisted. I need a venting place. And you, dear readers, understand. You get it. You truly feel my pain because you have been there for yourselves. Until recently, I was unable to provide the proper support for those of you going through the same things. Sure, I could sympathize with the IF issues, but it is only now that I can support anybody dealing with m/c from an “I’ve-been-there” point of view. I hope none of you need me for this anytime soon, but if you do, I will have a new understanding for how you are feeling.

Hugs and love,