Physically, I am fine. Things seem to be tapering off, and I'm crossing my fingers that the worst is behind me. Even the bruises from the shots and blood draws are healing nicely. My numbers are continuing to decline, and the RE expects the results to be "negative" at Thursday's test.
Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I still have good moments where I'm giving the illusion that I have it all together, but there are still plenty of moments when I come unglued. And it doesn't usually take much (or even anything at all) to trigger a breakdown that leave me dissolved in a pool of tears.
All day today, I've just been thinking about how happy I was this time last week. I had everything I could possibly want: a good job, a husband who loves me, a warm bed to sleep in, and at long last, I was pregnant. Life was good. I couldn't count my blessings because they were too plentiful. I can only remember feeling so happy and at peace two other times in my life: the night the Lord saved my soul and when J and I got engaged (yes, two VERY different events, but still...they were both life-altering). And then on Wednesday, it all came crashing down. No, I didn't lose everything (thank God), but it sure did feel like somebody sucked out all the air in the room.
Maybe it's strange, but I think the thing I miss the most (other than the obvious anticipation of actually bringing a baby home at the end of it all) is the way J looked at me. There was so much excitement and love in his eyes. He looked at me like I was the most important person in the whole world. After all, I was carrying his child. He'd look at me, then pick Jax up and say, "Jax, guess what? Mama's gonna have us a baby!" Not that I doubt that he still loves me, but he just doesn't look at me the same way. Maybe I'm crazy. But I sure miss it. I hope he looks at me that same way again someday.
I love you all. Thank you for stopping by. Have a blessed day.
Hugs and love,
7 comments:
I'm tearing up here, lady. (((HUGS))) I can relate to so much of this post, and I hate, hate, HATE that you're going through this now. For what it's worth, it does get better, albeit slowly, though I'm not sure you'll ever be "fine" again. I know so far I'm not.
Really I have no point that I'm getting to except to let you know you're not alone. (((HUGS)))
Tears over here too. You are right... After a miscarriage you are never truly the same. This is such a huge hurt and I'm so so sorry that you are facing this loss. Huge hugs and praying for healing for your heart.
Miscarriage truly changes everything. There might be moments where you are okay, but then there are the "other" moments. Hugs.
(((HUGS))) I can relate to so much of what you said. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. And, yes, it's perfectly ok to not be "fine"!
They show it differently, but your husband is grieving this too. He still loves you & will look at you that way again.
I can't imagine how hard this is for you. As Steph O. mentioned above your husband is grieving too and he definitely still loves you and feels your pain right now.
Those are the two things I miss the most as well, and envy all of the the women who take PG forgranted. I know my DH will be ok if I'm not able to reproduce, but the excitement & joy he felt was unlike anything I've seen. Even though he says he is fine with CF lifestyle, I know that he'd rather be a father. Its very depressing.
Oh Angie. While J was excited to have a baby, just like you were, he loves you just the same.
I prayed for you and J to be brought even closer by this and for your health, physical and emotional healing, and for the return of your hope. Just take it one day at a time honey.
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