Letting Go

I'm trying to let go of a lot of things-dreams, goals, personal struggles.  It's harder than it sounds.  I can't tell you how many times I've started this post.  I keep having to stop for one reason or another and forget to save the post.  Then when I come back, it isn't there anymore.  I'm sure it was better in one of the other drafts, but that moment has fled and new words fill my space.  The meaning will still be there.  It just won't be as pretty.

In just over a month, I will turn 35.  If you had asked me 20 years ago...15 years ago...even 5 years ago how my life would be at 35, I'd have painted a different picture than the one I've got.  I'm desperately trying to come to terms with the fact that I will be the mother of an only child.  I know age is just a number, and in many aspects, I whole heartedly believe that.  But I know what it means for the future of my family.  We're done.  I just wish I wanted to be.  I know I'm being selfish, and it's not like me.  I pray that ever longing mother gets to feel that bond with a child.

I seem to be stressed out all the time, and  not sure how to get it all under control.  Lincoln is not adjusting well to Daylight Saving time, which has made bedtime a nightmare this week, and we are entering "crunch time" at school.  Tonight, I broke my favorite vase while changing the batteries in Lincoln's pillow pet thing that projects stars onto the ceiling, and I just wanted to scream.  There are a lot of things that I'm struggling with right now, most of which I have no control.  But I know that I can control my reactions.  I'm trying to change my ways of thinking-I really am.  But I am failing miserably.  

For now, I'll try to count my blessings and not my baubles.  They are certainly greater than one...