Don't get me wrong...I love my son more than anything. I'd do it all again, and I wouldn't trade my journey to motherhood with someone else's even if their pregnancy came with ease. Because anything worth having is worth fighting for. And fight for him, I did. I don't think I would have savored all the moments...cherished all the little things if not for our struggles.
However, there is a battle going on in my brain almost daily. Good vs. "evil" I suppose. Evil is not the correct word. I'm not really evil. Maybe good vs. guilty is better. I feel guilty for relishing the moments I have with Lincoln (which are about to be plentiful when school is out for the summer), while so many are still waiting for their miracle. I feel guilty that my grief over my lost babies has lessened now that I have Lincoln to love. It's still there, and I still think about them and miss them, but I also know that if it weren't for them I would not yet have Lincoln. I want to remember everything, because I know I may never get another chance to be a mom.
Yesterday was my blogoversary. I started this blog 4 years ago yesterday-on Mother's Day-to vent my frustrations about my not-so-impending motherhood. I aptly named it "random thoughts" so that I could talk about whatever I wanted (and because that's exactly how thoughts pop into my head), and I have no intentions of leaving anytime soon...even if no one still reads.
Someday someone, somewhere will need a story like mine to give them hope. Because sometimes, that's all people can do for us.
Please know that if you are still struggling, I'm thinking about you...praying for peace, comfort, and your miracle to come soon.
Tomorrow I will celebrate my first Mother's Day with a heavy heart for the ones that could have been. There will likely be some tears.
I love you all.
Hugs and love,
4 comments:
What a beautiful post! You should never feel guilty! The journey you've been through does give hope and it's a story that those who are still struggling should read.
Enjoy your first Mother's Day! Give you're precious boy a big squeeze!
Hugs, Angie. I understand what you're saying, and hope that you also find joy in today with the one that is. Xo
Try not to feel guitly, we're living vicariously through you ;)
I do hope you had a wonderful first mother's day, and I pray that the guilt you feel will fade away so you can enjoy being a mom to the fullest. *hugs*
I hope you had an AWESOME first Mother's Day! :) You shouldn't feel guilty, one woman's success does not lessen the chances of other's.
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